Grief. First you don't feel it, you complain about school or homework or something that now seems insignificant.
Then the news is given to you, whatever it might be. First there's that sinking feeling. Have you ever been on one of those bungee jump trampolines? It's like the sinking feeling you get from that when your going downwards except there's no thrill.
Then there's shock. Like you don't believe it. People you know and love don't just die unexpectedly, right? There has to be some kind of mistake, right? So you question whomever is the news giver. Once they prove its the truth you need to escape. Be alone. Flee. You mutter an incoherent excuse to leave. When you shut the door the shaking begins.
First it begins in your hands. Then you can feel it everywhere. You stumble to some place where you can sit or lie. Before you make it there the tears have started. The tears start as just little droplets that escape your eyes.
Then all of a sudden your sitting as you run your hands through your hair and sob. The sobs rack through your whole body. If you've ever gotten an electric shock of an electric fence through you clothes you'll know. It's like that but repetitive. And the pain isn't just in one place, it waves through you over and over.
Then the regret comes. You think, when was the last time I talked to them? I didn't even tell them I loved them. What could I of done to make a difference? What if I did this or that, maybe they wouldn't be gone. What if what if what if.
After regret comes numbness. You find ways to distract yourself for short periods of time. You'll listen to music or watch YouTube or tv. Then when an add comes on and you don't have your distraction you remember everything all over again.
People are starting to find out by now. You get a few messages or calls saying how sorry they are, none of which you reply to. You open simple social medias like snapchat or Twitter and are bombarded with people posting rip. Most of these people probably didn't know them personally and probably don't give a fuck. Every time you see one of these it's a reminder of what happened.
Your told you have to go meet other family members. As soon as you enter you get pity smiles from people who don't really know the person. You get watery smiles from loved ones. After your first hug with someone you feel like your going to cry. Then you hear the most heartbreaking sound.
The sound of the persons mother. Wailing. Sobbing. Moping around. Their sibling who just smashed something out of anger. Their father who looks at you with puffy red eyes. He asks you if your okay when really you should be asking them. You press your lips together and nod so that your lips won't wobble.
The younger cousin whose hair you stroke and eyes you dry. The only time you cry in front of all your relatives is when this younger cousin tells about their not-nice-butterflies they got when they tried to visit the room where the person was. You get faced with the question of whether or not you go face them and visit their body. Your either too afraid to go or you face your fears. Either way it's messy.
You know your not going to sleep tonight.
