Constantly Collapsing

∆ two ∆

˚ please tell mom this is not her fault. ˚

I woke up with a sigh, sad that I woke up. If you really think about it, it's not very good that my first thought after waking up is "God damn it." But that was okay because in the end, I couldn't think about anything anymore.

I tried to think back to the last time I ate, not that it mattered anymore, obviously. There were too many things on my mind and sleeping wasn't an option. I thought back to the time when I was 16 and I was home alone, the first time I tried sleeping pills. Magical things, really. I couldn't ever sleep. ever. My head never shut up and it bugged me, so I tried to do something to fix it.

When I was 16 the only thing that mattered was knowing if I was going to get to sit alone at home. Usually the answer was yes, as I had nowhere else to be.

Only then did it occur to me that is was 4 in the morning. I slept for sixteen hours. I was still tired. As I was a legal adult, which didn't seem right in my mind, I shouldn't be this messed up if I'm supposed to be an adult. Anyway, I could be out past "curfew."

After pulling on shoes and a jacket, I left. I didn't bother locking my door because really, what were they going to take? I headed off in a random direction. All I wanted was to clear my head, I just didn't know how to. Everyone talks about "crippling anxiety" like it's not an actual thing and it's actually kind of funny to me because I can think about how small minded these people are to think that it's not an actual thing.

I didn't know where I was. It was dark. I was cold. Things were blurry. I didn't know if it was because of tears or just because my eyesight was bad. My head hurt, I wanted to go to sleep. I was dizzy, and I didn't know what to do. I stumbled back the way that I came the best I could, hoping I would end up back somewhere that I knew. As doubtful as it was, I wasn't thinking, as per usual.

I ended up somehow on the other end of town. It had to be about seven now, as it was getting lighter. I saw a hospital and a Walmart a ways ahead of me. I knew where I was, it was about three and a half miles from my house.

And back to the road I went.

∆ There is nothing here for me, but I'm here for you so I will never leave ∆