a n i m a

summertime sadness

dedicated to fay bc she is one of my main inspirations and i love her and miss her and she's just really sweet c': 

"I think I'll miss you forever
 like the stars miss the sun in the morning sky."

❶❷❸❹

 "I'm sorry," she whispered, running her hand through her hair with a defeated sigh.

"I just. . ." he trailed off, running his hand down his face. He was avoiding her eyes, scared that she might see the heartbreak that shone in the redness of his irises. But she knew- she knew how much she was killing him. "I. . . just don't understand," he breathed, resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his trembling hands.

They were seated in her tiny apartment. The one they'd spent countless nights in on her beat up couch, a blanket draped over them, her head on his shoulder and the soft sound of music carrying them into a peaceful bliss. The walls were covered in pictures, the simple story of her life spread across the vintage wallpaper. He was present in each one; his arms around her and a stunning smile lighting them all.

She wondered how long it would take her to take them all down.

She rubbed her forehead, staring at him as he tried not to crumble. But she knew him too well. Better than anyone else because of the simple fact that he never let anyone know him. Only her.

Inside, right then, he was decaying. Slowly dying as she sucked out the very thing that had kept his heart beating at a steady pace: herself.

"We want different things, Jonah," she stated. He almost covered his ears, not wanting to hear what she had to say. Not wanting to believe that it was all really happening. "I need to move on with my life."

"But . . .I love you, Jess," He looked up at her then, his blue eyes filled with the despondent future of them. They were agonized- tortured. He couldn't understand how two people could love each other, make promises to one another, and in a matter of days want different things.

"I know, Jonah. I know." She moved forward in her seat, grabbing his attention and knowing that once he stared into her dark eyes, he couldn't bring himself to look away. She reached forward and gripped his large hands in hers, stroking his rough knuckles with her thumb. His breathing caught and he felt the dilapidated beating of his heart stutter. And with her touch- the one he knew he'd never feel again- his heart broke a little more. "And you're a great guy. The best," she assured him, her eyes wide as though she was speaking to a young child who was scared of the monsters that lurked beneath their bed.  "We just have to let each other go. This isn't what I want anymore."

He wanted to scream, to demand to know how one's feelings could change so quickly when just the other day she had kissed him tenderly, lying her head lightly on his chest so she could hear how hard his heart was beating, and whispered how much she loved him.

But he couldn't. Not staring into the brown eyes that had given him happiness for years. Not sure how long he could hold his damaged seams together, he shook her hands from his and stood, wiping his eyes as subtly as he could manage.

She stood as well, cradling her elbows and chewing on her lip. He tried to speak, but his mouth simply stayed agape as he stared at the rug, unsure of what to say. His heart was lodged in his throat and suddenly, he felt woozy.

Without another thought or word, he was hurrying towards the door, leaving Jess in the middle of her living room with dry eyes.

"Jonah, wait," she called after him, just as he was about to turn the knob; to run from the sadness lurking in the room. It was so thick, he thought he might choke. But still, he waited. He stopped, with his head down and his heart sputtering because it was her.