Masks of Deception (A Shinzaya AU Fanfiction)

Chapter 4

Do you believe in love at first meeting?

Well, I do, but I don't know if I'd call what I feel typical "love" by a normal person's standards.

Maybe it's closer to a type of obsessive fascination, like some people get so addicted to anime or manga or animals or other things that they don't even know how or care to relate to people whom they have no interest in or share much of anything in common with? Don't get me wrong though! I personally just think that my 'love' is not what other people would label as typical romantic love.

There is romance involved, but... Ah! I'll try to explain it. How to put it...?

See, when I was very young, there was this mysterious boy that saved me from some adults which were harrasing me. That boy suddenly came out of nowhere when they had me cornered.

Dousing them all with several buckets of water, and spraying a couple of them with some kind of harsh chemical before he grabbed my hand and we ran off. He was all I could suddenly care to look at for that entire ten or so minutes as we were being chased by a few of them.

He easily outran them, smiling the entire time.

Even though I know he didn't do it out of a personal obligation of right or wrong, I still found myself enthralled by him.

He honestly told me that he simply did it do have some "fun"; To experiance something "new", because he was "bored".

And I could tell just by looking at his smile, and talking to him for a few minutes, that he was emotionally detached from this world. He wasn't even smiling at me as an individual. He was trying to live on his own plane, and subconsciously trying to observe or love all humans as one, akin to not loving anybody - probably even himself.

Yes, I did find his odd auburn eye color and his body in general to be very attractive and cute, but, again, it, with no doubt, it was the realization about his detachment alone that, in fact, made him so alluring to me.

For weeks after that, even though he himself may never even remember that incident, he was that all that was ever on my mind anymore.

It's only now that I realize for certain what I felt, and still feel, for him is love.

And now, I want to achieve the unachievable.

I want to bring out in him things that he doesn't let show or may not even know himself. I want to see in him the things that nobody else will ever see in him, to claim his true self for and by myself.

Also, I know it may sound kind of odd or maybe even impossible, but I want to get him to focus on me the same way I know he's prone to look at humanity, but I want to bring out the best and most charming side of him, and sides of him that I know he wants to reject.

Now that I think about it, maybe it's more of a desire to monopolize him, after all, since I do, by definition, want him for myself, and to satisfy my own loneliness and boredom in a way, but it's true that I really do love him and have an undeniable devotion to him.

Why did it turn out so obsessive?

Well, shortly before meeting him, my mother also left my father over some crazy arguements about antiques and that's when I really became truly lonely for the first time in my life. Perhaps it's that emptiness that had an drastic affect on me and made me reach out to something to cling onto?

Or maybe not?

Actually, I have reasons to both think so and think not so, and anyway, and I really don't care why.

Because now that I realize that I love him, and it's all I could ever care about now, more than anything else. I love him and I couldn't possibly want anything else. Unlike him, my heart is all that matters to me.