(Not) Good Enough

Chapter 3

It's not just Dani.

It's, almost all of them.

I know they aren't meaning to cause me pain, to make me feel so awful I can hardly stand to look in the mirror.

I just need to learn to take a joke or two right?

Christina has told me on several occasions I need to "grow some thicker skin".

I've tried on several occasions, I've googled hundreds of different sites, I've read an array of books on self-confidence.

But my skin is just as paper thin and glass fragile as it has always been.

And I hate it.

Too many sleepless have been spent, torturing myself with questions I cannot not answer. Why am I like this? Why do I feel so much? Why do I care so much?

Am I just...too much?

Am I too much for others to handle, for my own sisters to handle?

I start crying harder at the thought, of my own sisters not being able to bear my too-loud voice, my too-strong feelings.... my too-much self.

"Katherine?"

I jump at the voice and whip around to see Amy standing in the doorway, a look of concern plastered to her face.

"Are you ok?" she asks, rushing over to me.

I get to my feet, and ignore the intense trembling in my knees.

"Yeah I'm ok, just, uh, read a sad poem."

I am more than sure she sees my transparency , but I can't help but feel grateful when nothing of it is mentioned.

Instead, she just wraps her arms around me and pulls me close.

Considering her height, it makes for a slightly more awkward than usual hug, but nonetheless, I'm extremely grateful.

"It's gonna be ok Kath" she says, and I nod my head, scolding myself into believing her.

She pulls away, and intertwines my hand with hers, the size difference is almost laughable.

"C'mon now, mom made spaghetti! Your favorite!"

I respond with a hollow smile. Much to my displeasure, crying usually repels my appetite.

But I stagger down the staircase with sharp and clumsy movements, my anxiety hasn't quite worn off.

"Kath, honey, you ok?" I hear my mom ask, and I note that I'll have to be very careful avoiding eye contact.

Just by the unsettling weight of them, I can tell my eyes are a telltale sign that I've been crying.

I manage a smile, nodding quickly, enough to catch her eye, butt only for a moment.

I take my seat, placed appropriately between Christina and Lisa, and let my hair curtain my face as I twirl my fork through the noodles strewn onto my plate.

They smell delicious, but I'm not hungry.

Just really, really tired.

"Kath, you sure you're ok?" I hear Christina ask.

I have to bite back a scoff, I'm surprised she even asked at all.

"Yes Christina, I'm fine."

By my emphasis I put on each syllable, she seems to take the hint that it's not a topic up for discussion.

I manage through the family dinner, stuck in my own world of radio silence, cutting my pasta into smaller and smaller bits, while everyone else is chatting around me.

Has it always been like this? Me, a ghost to the rest of the family, unseen, unheard?

Or is it just my more than unapproachable mannerism tonight?

I shake my head, cutting my family some slack, usually I'm the one engaging the family, they've probably just caught onto the fact that I'm not up for idle conversation.

That is until,

"You're awfully quiet Kath. I'm not sure whether to be concerned or thankful" Lisa jokes.

A jolt of what feels like electricity runs through my body, striking my heart directly and a rush of heat floods my body.

It's just a joke.

"Sorry, I'll, um, just..." My sentence trails off as I stand up and put my plate by the sink, it's not my night on dish duty, thankfully.

I cast a small glance back towards the table and see they're all carrying on their conversation without me, just fine, not of them fazed my hasty exit.

And once again I find myself asking.

Has it always been this way?

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A/N: happy late thanksgiving everyone!! Hope you're all enjoying the holiday break!!

Also I apologize in advance as I just realized the entire second chapter was written in past tense instead of present.

For some reason my mind automatically goes to past tense?

This story is meant to be written in present tense so feel free to point out any mistakes made with tense!!

Love y'all!

- Annie :)