Dear Dad

I remember the day you left. It is still clear in my memory to this day despite all the years that have passed. I remember a day when I was the apple in your eyes, but in the blink of an eye, you were gone, leaving me with broken promises and sad goodbyes. You haven’t even visited once. Why? You’re my father, and I’m your daughter. But apparently that wasn’t enough for you to stay.

Your fights with mum were so constant that I’d come to accept that it was a normal part of my life. Are you proud? You let a kid just accept that fighting is normal. Despite knowing that there were going to be yelling and screaming and shouting, it still wasn’t easy for me.

I remember the very first fight. I remember yelling from downstairs, so loud that I couldn’t sleep. I got out of bed and sat by the stairs, just watching. I remember the angry words that you told me never to say, the clenched fists, the glaring.  It was so painful to watch. I remember getting back into bed and covering my ears, and trying to sink deeper and deeper in my blankets so that the sound of your yelling would go away. I was just a child.

I remember wanting to run away just to escape you and mum’s fights. I thought that if I ran away and just waited, everything would magically be normal again. That’s all I ever wanted. A normal family, a normal life. Not this.

I remember one day you just snapped. Little did you know, young me was upstairs, listening to every single word you said. I remember the abrupt silence and then footsteps towards my room. I pretended to be asleep as you opened the door. You gently shook me, “waking” me up. I looked lazily at you. “Dad?” You smiled sadly, trying to hold back tears. You said, “Listen to me sweetie, I have to go.” And then you proceeded to give me excuses as to why you left and why you missed out on a chunk of my life and why you ghosted out on me.

You ended with “I love you so much.” But did you really? If you loved me why did you leave me? If you loved me, why did you never come back? Did I make it that easy for you to just walk out of my life? I have realised that everything that left your mouth were just lies.

You left me.

Do you know what it was like for me to grow up the way I did? Because of you, I have trust and abandonment issues. Because of you, I am broken inside.

You hurt me.

I remember you hugging me, and then you stood up and left, closing the door behind you. The view of your shadow is the last memory I have of you. Doesn’t that make you sad? You left your only daughter and let her go through the rest of her childhood without a father. You left her in the hands of your unstable wife, who drank her pain away. You left your only daughter to look after herself. Sure, you made her into an independent woman but that’s because she didn’t have any other choice. It would’ve been nice to know what it’s like depend on someone other than yourself. It would’ve been nice to know what it’s like to know someone who’s got your back.

I think the worst thing is that you never came back.

You never came back to check on me. Were you not interested to see which high school your daughter made it in? Or how she was doing? You said you loved me when you left. Yet, you never showed it. Why do you have to always lie?

They say that your parents should be your biggest role models. That you should look up to the people who raised you, who cared for you and provided for you. I know you’re my father, but you will never be my role model. I hope I don’t turn out to be anything like you. Even though I share your genes, I hope I will never be you. I will never hurt my future family, or lie.

I hate you.

I hate that you repeatedly lied to my face, that you hurt me and my mum, and that you left.

It’s been over 10 years. You’ve missed out so many years of my life. And you can’t replace the years you’ve missed. I wonder what you look like, and what you’re up to. Have you found someone else? Do you have a new family? Do you ever wonder about me? Do you miss me? Have you forgotten about me?

I know I should despise you after everything you did.

But I can’t help but miss you.