Fix Me I'm Not Broken.

Chapter 16

Warning: a bit of self harm, but it will not be a regular thing.
•• : self harming begins in case you want to skip that part.
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Dean was shaking under the warm spray of the shower. His fingers could barely grab the soap. He wanted to stay in there forever, he wanted to disappear and make the pain and betrayal disappear with him. He should've known better than to get out of the house when Cas specifically told him not to and to get in the house when Cas told him to do so. Cas had sounded worried then, but now Dean wasn't really sure, but he knew, he knew he should've obeyed Castiel. He was just so scared and careless.

He sobbed and started washing the shampoo out of his hair. Then he started pulling at his hair, sadness turned into fury and desperation and he screamed and screamed. He felt like a baby, having a fucking meltdown in the shower. ••Without thinking, he grabbed Castiel's razor next to him and took the blade out. He felt ugly and dirty and wrong all the time. He began to slice his skin, if he wasn't a fucking coward he would've killed himself, but since he was a fucking coward he kept mutilating his arm. Blood rushed down the drain. " Die! Die! Die!" He screamed. He was screaming at the universe, wanted the whole world to turn deaf listening to his suffering, somewhere, mid-crying and mid-screaming, he heard the door open.

Castiel barged into the bathroom once he heard the screaming. He was already asleep, the noise had woken him up. He opened up the curtains, not caring about modesty, but blushing nonetheless. Then he saw it, Dean with a razor blade, Dean with a razor blade, Dean with a razor blade. His mind was still slow from the alcohol, but once he understood what was happening, he restrained Dean and ripped the blade out of his hand, cutting himself in the process.
"Fuck you!" Dean yelled "Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you" bloody hands hit Castiel's chest and clutched Castiel's shirt at the same time.
"Shhhh it's okay, you're okay" Cas said, stroking Dean's hair, his hand came out bloody.
"Oh Dean I'm so so sorry"
They stayed there under the now cold spray of the water.
Dean trying to hold on to his sanity and Castiel trying to hold on to Dean. ••

Nobody talked about it the next day, nobody dared to bring up the topic. Dean had never self harmed before, he tried to mutilate his body to stop himself from mutilating his mind. Dean did not enjoy it and he didn't find it liberating. It just hurt, like the realization that Castiel had seen him like that. He felt ugly, to be fair he was ugly. He was still underweight and his face was still bruised as well as his body and now his mind too. They ate breakfast in silence, same for lunch, and the same for dinner. Dean had caught a cold alright. His nose was blocked and he was paler than usual. His bandaged arms hurt and his whole body hurt, the way it does when you have a fever. Castiel had apologized to him at least 40 times since they woke up. Dean had told him it was okay, because it really was, he was more embarrassed because of the state Castiel had found him inlast night, but Castiel couldn't really deal with what he had done. So he kept apologizing and apologizing, and when he wasn't apologizing he was puking up his guts in the bathroom. Another reminder of what had happened yesterday. Dean had tried to clean up Cas's face at first, but Cas was to embarrassed and just told him to get out. Dean did, he didn't want to repeat yesterday's incident.
They pretty much didn't speak besides that. It was painful. At night, Cas called Dean to his room to change the bandages. Dean went reluctantly. He looked at Castiel while he cleaned and wrapped his arms, Dean pulled his arms out of Castiel's grasp, but Castiel didn't let go. Instead he rubbed circles on Dean's hands, Dean noticed the tears running down Castiel's face.
"I'm so sorry Dean" he whispered.
"I forgive you sir, really I do" Dean said, and he began coughing. He had been coughing all day. Then he remembered why he was there in the first place and quickly headed for his room.

Dean was plagued with nightmares, disgusting things. He dreamt about Cas and Cas beating him and Cas cutting himself and just basically Cas doing things his Cas would never do. He got off the bed and sat on the floor, leaning against the foot of the bed and cried. It seemed like it was all he was good for these days, that and making Castiel worried, or angry, or sad.
He heard a knock on his door.
"Come in" he said and then he went into a coughing fit.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you" Cas said, noticing the tear tracks running down Dean's face.
"S'okay, I can't really sleep much"
"Dean" Cas sighed and sat next to him.
"Cas no please don't, I don't, I-"
"Dean, we have to talk about it"
"Please Cas" Dean coughed " I'm not in the mood"
" I called Bobby, he said he was going to send some pills tomorrow"
"Thank you sir"
"Dean" Cas put his hand on Dean's cheek, Dean flinched slightly and closed his eyes. "Can you tell me why?" He dropped his hand and grabbed both of Dean's.
"I- I don't know, I just lost control, I won't do it again Cas I promise"
"Was-was it because of me?" Castiel had a hard time getting that question out.
"No" Dean whispered " I don't think, it was because of me"
"Because of you?"
"Please Cas, I don't wanna talk about it"
"Alright" Cas said and Dean leaned into Cas's chest.
" I just wanted to escape" Dean whispered, almost inaudible, against Castiel's chest. " I know I'm fucked up and that I really fucked up, but I- I just don't wanna feel this way anymore"
"How?" Castiel asked, scared from the answer.
"Dirty" Dean said and then he began sobbing, which made him cough and Castiel just held onto him tightly.
"Please don't leave Cas, I don't wanna sleep alone. I'm scarred" Dean whispered.
"Okay, let's go to bed Dean"
Dean curled up as close to Cas as he could and after a few minutes, both of the broken men found peace.
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Two chapters in one day?! I know right? It's awesome. I know I promised a lot of care giving, but what can I say? I like to make y'all suffer. So what did you think?
I love you guys! ❤️

Music recommendation: I'm not Okay by MCR