My life in recovery.

Chapter 5...

Why? What good will it do. You are the source of most of it. I'm trying to figure out if it would be better for me, and my own happiness, to push you away, or keep you close because I'm far from over you. I miss you. I can't sleep at night because I'm so used to you being there. I still reach over and expect you to be there. So I smoke myself to sleep. It's the only thing that can force me to sleep, besides the harder shit, and I don't want to go back to that. I miss you, but I won't get back with you because I won't do that to myself because I could never trust you completely. I won't do that to myself. So I'm trying to move on, but seeing you or talking to you hurts so bad, brings back memories and feelings I don't think too hard about when you aren't there to remind me. So I don't know what to do, and on top of that, my Unlce bill is on the verge of death, and I don't know wtf to do with my love life. Because I feel like my entire life got destroyed along with my trust for you. And I just hurt. I've never hurt this bad, and idk what to do besides struggle, daily with my own thoughts and emotions, and I wish I could turn it off and feel nothing. But I can't. Because the one person in my life that I could open up to the most and about anything, the one person I have felt true love for, that one person was my only emotional and mental vent. Because I don't feel much for anybody but my closest family, and I'm trying to find somebody else to trust that much, to find something in, to care about at that level. And that person fucking killed me. And I feel nothing but hurt and suffering. I don't want to feel Anything