lost boys | jeongcheol

|neverland|

"Now you know what we are.
And now you know what you are."
- David Powers, The Lost Boys

- 04 -
|neverland|

It was dark out, the few working streetlights blinding and the air cold and chilling. It'd been half an hour since we left the bar, me and Seungcheol, and in that time neither of us had uttered a single word. He knew exactly where he was going, weaving through alleyways and behind buildings, while I was completely clueless.

"Seungcheol," I called. He was silent for a moment before I repeated his name.

"Hm? Is the princess tired of walking already?" He cooed and glanced back at me with bored eyes. I would've replied with something sarcastic had we not been walking down a sidewalk in the ghetto. I was honestly scared. It reminded me of the past, and anything from the past made my chest ache. I wanted to run from that feeling but it wasn't something you could just ignore. God, how I wanted to get away from my memories. Everything around me was a reminder and there was no escape. It was terrifying, and I was somehow feeling claustrophobic even outdoors.

"Why the hell are you talking like that?" I asked in a meek and dull voice, dragging my feet with my hands shoved deep inside my pockets.

I wasn't feeling it. The nervousness I'd been filled with at the bar was gone and there was no sense of excitement. The idea of uncertainty only made me uncomfortable. Did that mean I was just too old to act like this? Like a lost soul just drifting through the universe with no real purpose? I guess so. I needed to get my shit together, not make it worse by hanging out with a thug.

"It's fun." Seungcheol replied casually.

"Life isn't a game." I sighed and rolled my eyes at his childish behavior. He hadn't acted like that before, like a kid, but now he seemed so different. I guess he was bipolar or something. That would explain how he could go from furious to flirty in the blink of an eye.

Just as I was thinking that, he stopped dead in his tracks and his mood changed suddenly. I stopped too as he turned around, staring intently at me before shifting his gaze to something off in the distance.

"Trust me, I know. It's just easier to pretend sometimes. Like everything is okay, you know? Just try to smile a little. It helps." He said, a strange softness to his usually confident voice. It felt familiar, like my own in a weird way. There were so many sides to him, although at that point I really couldn't tell which ones were really him. Sometimes he just seemed so fake and other times sincere. When he acted tough, I could see that there was fear deep down. When he acted nice, I could feel the worry of rejection in the back of his mind. When he was cold towards me, if I looked really, really hard, I could even sense a bit of guilt in the pit of his stomach. For whatever reason, he was hiding himself. I could relate to the version of himself he masked with a fake smile, and for the first time, I genuinely wanted to see more.

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked.

He sighed and shook his head irritably.

"I feel bad, okay? You look like shit and you're an emotional train wreck. I feel like it's my fault and giving shitty advice is the only way I know how to make it up to you." He turned his back to me as he spoke. It was hard to trust him when I couldn't see his eyes, but I wanted to rely on his words. I wanted to believe he was sincere, but I'd done that too many times before. Trusting that man Shotto was the biggest mistake of my life, falling for him despite the fact that his eyes were always masked with expensive sunglasses. It was stupid. And back then, I was stupid, too. I couldn't make the same mistake again. I didn't know Seungcheol and he clearly had some sort of dangerous reputation. His friends were probably just as bad or worse, and I couldn't put myself through that again. I wanted to get out of the drugged up lifestyle I used to live because after stepping back, I finally saw how much it'd fucked my life up. I wanted to get away from all the shit I'd done in the past. Every man I slept with still made me sick. All the times I'd drunken myself into depression had built up bad habits. I had been doing better until I met Seungcheol, and following him to meet the people he called his friends would be sealing my fate.