Archaic Critiques

A Fairytale of Nobody

Story: A Fairytale for Nobody

By: Simpleillusions

Link: http://www.wattpad.com/2378106

Genre: Fantasy/Mystery Suspence

Average Score: 4.8/10

Critique:

     Plot: 6/10

From the summary, it sounds pretty good. The magical world cliche does play a part in it, but it's hard to judge from just the prologue and first chapter. I highly suggest you add some twists to make it more interesting.

     Setting: 3.5/10

It's extremely hard to tell when exactly the story is set in. The summary says it is set in the 20th century. From Tryst's mannerisms and "sexist" nature, as well as the title, I was assuming the story was set in a Medieval-esque time period. Yet the dialogue didn't match whatsoever.

     Characters: 3/10

I'm not liking Tryst(n?). At all. From the prologue and his name, I expected a tad mnroe sadness and morbidity. Yet I see this strong, charming, tricky, multilingual, humble, happy, scientific (note the long list) boy whom everyone at the bar loves with no suspicion whatsoever even though he's never been beaten. One, you'd think a bar full of drunk men would be a bit more angry and suspicious of Tryst, even if they didn't see anything condemning. Two, he needs more faults. While I've only read a small amount of this story, he seems incredibly flat. You need to think about how his past affected him and still affects him. A character's past is usually a great way to develop a personality. Someone who grew up during wartime might be more cynical and tolerant of death than a sheltered girl.

Also, try to let his traits show for themselves. Don't call him a man of science, but have him analyze this creature in a technical way. Finally, keep his traits consistent. If he's so scientific, why did this trait not reveal itself when he was in the bar? OH! And, the comments of Tryst's that you describe as sexist, really aren't. I mean, she's a small girl--who could expect her to fight some monster? And if I have the time period right, no one thought it socially acceptable for a girl to wear pants. So, no, it's not a fault if nearly everyone else in the story has it as well.

     Pacing: 5/10

The prologue was unneeded. Many authors feel a need to blurt out a character's past--don't. You'll find you'll get a deeper character through hinting and teasing out his past until at some point near the end you satisfy your readers and have the character finally give his spiel in detail. It adds to the mystery of your character and allows you to explore how his past affects his actions now in life.

Also, the last line of the first chapter is completely unneeded as well. If you want the reader to know there's no debt foreshadow the fact with the girl's dialogue--have her avoid questions about the debt, bite her lip, turn away to make it a tad more obvious she's lying. Or, have her overcompensate and mention the debt every two seconds (though, that may get annoying).

     Flow: 2/10

Choppy, especially towards the end. There are several "paragraphs"--I use the term loosely, mind you--that should have been combined to make a decent sized one. One line paragraphs are good when used occasionally--they add dramatic effect. However, when over used, it becomes a cliche in your writing with no meaning. Also, the first two lines both ended with "my sister and I" and the repetition was odd.

Also, if you're writing in third-person, you don't need the character's name at the top. And you should probably choose one person our the other (you used first person in the prologue).

In the first chapter much of it reads as a list of one line paragraphs, especially when he first sees the red-eyed girl and you're describing both character's reactions.

     Tone: 5/10

Your tone is clearly an attempt at a humorous, light read at the beginning of chapter 1, yet from the dreary prologue I expected something darker. And after the start of chapter one, you abandon the light tone which is not a good thing. You should try for a countiuous tone throughout your story. Decide what kind of novel you wish this to be--happy, sad, bittersweet, inspirational, depressing, funny, ect.--and aim for that.

     Originality: 7/10

I've seen worse, but I've seen better. I haven't encountered this specific plot before, but you don't seem to have developed any of your own magical creatures, instead choosing to take the generic demons and humans with various, random powers.

     Visual Appeal: 7/10

The text on the cover was hard to read (and the title seemed wrong...?). The one line paragraphs took away most aesthetic appeal from the text. Numbers are always spelled out. And a preface is usually something written by the author (or someone else) analyzing the book; what you have is a prologue. Finally, if you're going to indent, it's all or nothing.

Last Updated: 1/ 24 / 11