A Girl’s Guide to Metal Part One
If you’ve only recently started listening to metal (hello *waves horns*, you have made a great choice, nice to have you on board the crazy train) there might be some things that need explaining. Maybe you’ve never done some of the great fun metal activities, maybe you need wardrobe advice or maybe you’ve got a problem in your life of love. All these are covered in this guide and what’s more they’re covered in leather and then studded. Hell yes!
If you are a boy and are reading this guide loads of the stuff in here is relevant to you and it’s always good to get the perspective of the opposite gender. If you are a boy you can wee standing up at festivals and I will hold that against you just a teeny, teeny bit. However, if you have lovely long hair or tattoos or own Slayer’s South of Heaven album I will forgive you.
If you are a panda and you’re reading this then wow! I knew you guys were secretly very clever and I know that you eat things other than bamboo when we’re not looking. Keep up the nice work with the eye make-up you cuddly looking but dangerous fluffy chaps.
Reader, the highway to hell awaits you. I’d imagine there isn’t anything you’d rather do.
The Music
These ten albums are essential listening.
AC/DC - Back in Black. From the first metallic ‘Donggggg!!!!’ of ‘Hells Bells’ to the final and masterful assertion that ‘Rock and Roll Ain’t Noise Pollution’ this album is superb.
Iron Maiden – Iron Maiden. It’s no coincidence that Phantom of the Opera was used to advertise Lucozade. This album could heal the sick.
Judas Priest – British Steel. You don’t have to be old to be wise enough to recognise that this is a classic album.
Megadeth – So far so good so what. This album has so much energy you’d think it’s been eating golden syrup. I love angry Dave. If he wasn’t ginger would he still be so angry?
Metallica- Kill ‘em all. Sadly Cliff Burton did not live long enough but he did leave this wonderful legacy that kick started a chain reaction of what would become thrash metal.
Ozzy Osbourne – Ozzmosis. You should be careful not to store this near less good albums or there may be a net movement of awesomeness in the direction of the less good albums.
Pantera – Vulgar Display of Power. What do you call Pantera in just their underpants with daffodils sticking out of them? A vulgar display of flowers!
Danzig – Danzig. This album should be kept where you can see it. It’s so dark and twisted it might sneak off and do mischief.
Bolt Thrower – In Battle There Is No Law. Just look at the cover. You need this in your life.
Suicidal Tendencies – Join The Army. If this can’t recruit you to a life of listening to metal then there is no hope.
Metal subgenres.
You might find it fun to split metal up into sub-types. If so you were probably the kind of kid who put all their felt tips away in colour order. Anyway, here are some subtypes of metal and suggestions for listening. Thrash Metal (Nuclear Assault, Anthrax, Kreator), Death Metal (Death, Cannibal Corpse, Napalm Death), Heavy Metal (Motörhead, Black Sabbath, Manowar) Industrial Metal (Nine Inch Nails, Ministry, Rammstein).
Metal fans also tend to appreciate Punk (be it British such as Sub-humans, Anti-Nowhere League, The Damned or North American such as Minor Threat, Black Flag, The Ramones) and Goth (The Sisters of Mercy, The Cure, Alien Sex Fiend).
