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The Promise

What do you do when you bite off more than you could chew? What do you do when you have nobody to help you and talk you through what you did? What do you do when you're alone? What do you do when you made a promise that you soon realise you cannot keep?

That makes me sound like a terrible person. Let me rephrase that.

What do you do when you make a promise that you can't do alone?

Now, that just doesn't make sense. Let me explain.

I made a promise to a close friend of mine that I would help them. I swore that I would save them. Make them happy. I promised that I would find something good that they could hold onto. Now, I'm seeing that it's not just up to me.

I said that I'd help him, but he won't let me. I suggest one thing, he shuts it down. I say one thing, he shuts it down. I feel like whatever I do just isn't good enough. I feel like I bit off more than I could chew. I'm a minor, and it's not like I'm actually related to him, so it's not like I could make him do something. I'm not his legal guardian.

I'm constantly stuck in the middle. I try to see both sides of the coin. Mainly because I know that it isn't just about what I see, or what the other person sees, but the bridge in between. It's about where that miscommunication went wrong. It's about the middle, not the beginning or the end.

He has a problem with someone, he tells me his side of the story, and I try to see the other person's side, too. Well, apparently, I'm not supposed to do that. I'm not supposed to side with anybody else or have my own opinions or--

Okay. I'm getting too worked up. I have to calm down.

All I mean is that it's not just black or white. It's not just antagonist versus the protagonist. There's a middle ground. When I'm with him, I feel like he's just pulling me to go to his side, but it's not that easy. I don't want people fighting anymore. I'm tired of it. Why can't we all just be happy?

Now, I sound like a six year old. "Why can't we all just be happy?" It's not that simple. It never is. Moving on to another topic, then.

How about the fact that when I'm happy, everybody's lives suddenly go wrong? When I'm happy, suddenly, everybody's lives are a living hell and they're all telling me and complaining. On the other hand, when I'm sad, people are happy. What the hell is that?

Okay, angst teen brain, shut up and calm down.

I just feel guilty sometimes. I feel guilty that when everybody's lives are going wrong, mine's going great. I feel guilty that when I'm not panicking, somebody else is. I feel like it's wrong. I feel like I get my happiness at the expense of others-- which I don't. At least, I don't think I do.

Maybe it's just terrible timing? That happens all the time? For my whole life?

That doesn't make sense.

None of this makes sense.

Just, never mind this. Let's start over.

How do I explain what I'm thinking? How do I get the message through?

Ah, okay. I got it. Let me tell you everything.

Let's start from the beginning.