Eli's Playlist

Intro

It was loud. Crowded. And suffocating.

I can feel my sweat trickling down my neck and my heart is beating at an unusual rhythm. 

I know that I shouldn't be here but here I am. Being shameless so that I can see you.

For the last time. Kahit saglit lang. Kahit ngayon lang.

Everyone was banging their heads on the beat of the drums while I stood there, fixated on my spot as I looked at you. For a moment, my world stopped. And my breath hitched. Tears pooled in my eyes and I knew I was in the middle of making the biggest mistake of my life.

Mali na nagpunta ako. Mali na sinilip pa kita. I should have just gone on my way but my stupid heart made me believe that I can see you and still have the strength to let you go.

Pero ngayong nandito na ako, parang ang hirap pala. Pakiramdam ko, someone is clenching my heart right now as I hear your voice from the speakers. And seeing you from a distance makes me want to run into your arms.

But I can't.

Nawala ang atensyon ko sa'yo nang ilang beses akong naitulak sa pwesto ko dahil sa dami ng tao. That gave me a minute to look around. My heart filled with joy as I looked at the crowd cheering your name. It was a success. This event was a success. Kumpara sa mga nauna niyong mga gigs noon, this one is the most successful.

Sabagay, muntik pa nga akong hindi makapunta if it wasn't for the ticket that you secured for me.  Hindi ko nga lang ginamit. I used Nikki's. Mabuti nalang at kinailangan niyang umuwi ng Mindoro kaya yung kaniya ang ginamit ko.

I gasped as I looked at you. I had to do that so I can breathe. There's a lump stuck in my throat kakapigil ng iyak ko but I'm scared to shed a tear. Natatakot ako na kapag nasimulan ko ang pag-iyak ay baka hindi na ako tumigil. 

There was a faint smile on your lips as you uttered the song's lyrics. Sincerity radiates from your voice, as you pour your heart out while singing the verse of the song.

And I am proud. Beyond proud, actually.

The words are not enough to describe the emotions on my chest as I look at you slowly reaching your dreams.

You've dreamt of this, Eli, diba? Isa 'to sa mga sinasabi mo noon. I can still vividly recall how you told me about this moment and now, here you are. Making those dreams come true.

And this was really shameless of me, but I'm happy that even for a while, I am sharing this moment with you.

Kaagad akong napayuko nang bumaling ang tingin mo sa pwesto ko, earning a series of cuss words sa mga babaeng nasiko ko. I said a couple of apologies before finding another spot.

Nanatili ako hanggang sa makatapos ka ng kanta. I felt my phone vibrated, signaling that it's time for me to go pero ayoko pa. Ayoko pang umalis. Parang hindi ko pa kaya.

I clenched my fist over my chest as I bit my lower lip. I can feel my hand shaking sa pagpigil ng iyak ko as I look at you. Memorizing your features, your voice, your lips...

I breathed one last time bago ako tumalikod para umalis right after the song but you spoke.

"Di ko alam kung sa'n siya nakapwesto pero alam kong nandito 'yon," panimula mo kaya napatigil ako. 

Abut-abot ang kaba sa dibdib ko nang magsimula kang tumingin sa paligid and I had to  hurry myself out para makaalis agad without causing a scene pero kabaligtaran ang nangyari.

"Aray!" sigaw ng isang babae kaya napatigil ako. I said a small sorry pero nagulat ako nang tumingin ako sa harap and you were already looking at my direction. 

You smiled. And I froze.

Halos madapa ulit ako nang mangisay ang mga babae sa gilid ko dahil nakatingin ka sa direction namin while you're smiling from ear to ear as you looked at me.

"I'm never good with words pero... I wrote this for you," you gave me a nervous smile habang may panghihinayang na suminghap ang mga nasa likuran ko.

I wanted to smile back. To assure you. Pero di ko magawa. Gusto kong umiyak kung alam mo lang.

"Sabi ko last song na yung kanina pero baka pedeng umisa pa?" you said at a slow pace as you catch your breath.

You seemed lost in the moment as you looked at me, while I was lost in the worry of how I should run away from here. From you.

Nakita kong nilapitan ka ni Raven, knocking you back to your senses before you chuckled.

Run, Elliana. Run.

The crowd immediately said yes while I clenched my fist.

The look on your face was hopeful. You looked down on your guitar and gave out a sigh. You started strumming pagkatapos ay ibinalik mo ang tingin mo sakin.

I can feel the cold running down my spine as my phone vibrates once again.

You smiled again. Beaming.

Pero nawala ang ngiti sa labi mo nang makita mo akong umiling at humakbang patalikod.

And even though it hurt, I turned my back and ran away.