Under the light

The Darkness Within

     I lie awake listening to the soft, soothing sounds of the night. My head is pressed against the cold, lifeless chest of my love. I can no longer hear his heart beat. It's silent, nothing, not even a whisper is heard. I take a deep breath and hold it tightly in, while I sit up. My head aches and I can't feel the rest of my worn out body. I jerk my head to look up and all I see, is Death.
She had silky white skin and dark black eyes. She was covered head to toe in velvet black robes and on her feet were dark gray shoes. I took a quick glance and noticed her feet were shackled to the edge of  my old, rugged bed. A piece of wood jetted out from the legs, supporting it. It shattered the chains and Death, herself  took my love and vanished into the misty night sky. I clench my hair into my fists, almost ripping it from my scalp. A tear runs down my soft, rosy cheeks as I fall back and sink into my bed. My vision slowly fades as I drift away from reality. 
It's been about three years since Death took my love right from my hands. I never forgot the moment my life shattered into a million pieces. It gets harder and harder to breath when I speak his name. Nothing is more painful than loosing the person you love. You sometimes think you would rather die than live through the pain and sorrow that you gain when someone passes. People never seem to understand how hard it is to get through, but it rips you apart and no one lets you forget it. I like to imagine his warm, comforting hands pressed against my cheeks when I'm sad or alone, but it's not enough, because I know it's all in my head.
I haven't left my room since that night. It's almost like a prison, dark, lonely, and completely silent. No one has come for me, and no one ever will. I'm trapped in my own sorrows and there's no way out. Every muscle in my body is completely turned to dust. I might as well be dead.
My eyes are wide open and I feel a gust of wind coming from my shattered window. I haven't felt a single thing except depression since that night. Why now? Has Death finally come to take me right from my cold, stiffened bed? I try to move my stiff, throbbing head, but it feels as if a rubber band snapped it back in place. A soft hand brushes against my arm. It feels familiar, like a mothers hand comforting her crying child. I once more try to look up, but everything turns black, and I sink right back into darkness.
I hear a faint noise like someone is speaking to me. I carefully lift my right hand and bring it up to my ear. I try to make out the words coming from what sounds like the edge of my bed, but I couldn't quite figure it out. I listen for what I think is ten minutes, and then it finally hits me. I'm not dead, but I'm not alive. Im halfway between the shining light, and the dark depths down under. I focus only on the things that make me dread life, when I should be finding a way to wake up from the lifeless world I am stuck in.
         I have never felt entirely certain about something until now. My heart is beating, and it feels like it's going to shoot out of my stale, lifeless body. I can barely breath. It feels like someone is placing a plastic bag over my head. I remember that feeling from when my body had light and life to it, but now all I feel is darkness and despair.
My memories are slowly coming back into my head, but it's not enough to know why I am not dead yet. The last thing I remember was taking a trip to Bora Bora, and I swerved off the dark, winding road. A burst of light shot into my eyes, and I fell back into darkness. I felt like my life was going through the rest of my dreadful years. That was when I witnessed Death for the first time. She took my love away. That incident lead to this moment where I am stuck between life and death, and it's up to me to decide where to go. I am scared, and have nowhere to go except the places in my head, but they always end up breaking what's left of me.
I remind myself everyday that I am not dead and that I have to keep fighting, but sometimes I feel like giving up. Every once in a while I her my mothers comforting voice telling me to try and wake up. Half of me is still aware of my surroundings, but the other half is completely separated from the world I want to be in. The part of me that exists in the playful world of the living tells me I should live, but the other part of me says I should take Death's hand and walk into the distance. I would once more be reunited with my love, but I would never see my kind, loving family again. Making a decision has never been something I was good at. It always took time, but at this point I don't have the time I need. 
I can't let my mother and father suffer what I am suffering now. It's a great deal of pain, loosing someone, and I can't put them through that. They have always taken care of me, and they have always loved me. My life has been a little hard, but they always manage to help me through it. I love them more than anything in the world, so I have to wake up, just for them. The other half of me is ripping away at the only happiness I have left. It softly whispers something to my mind. " Let Death take you and the suffering will stop for good." I tried to ignore it, but it kept gripping onto my arm and slowly ripping the skin off as I screech and cry at the top of my lungs.
About 5 minutes of that felt like an entire lifetime of torture. I look over to my arm and see nothing, not even a scratch. I finally realize the part of me that wants death is imagining the worst things possible. It will do anything to get me to choose death over a happy life with people I love.
I close my eyes for so long that I start to drift away into a world where I could just be me. I start to imagine my life before all this madness happened. I had a loving family, and they cared a lot about me. My memories faded of the day I met Death, and all the horrible thing that happened in the passed three years. I start to vaguely remember my life before I had to decide if I would live or die.