He loves me, he loves me not..

I think we're all familiar with the game "He loves me, he loves me not" , we often used to play as children. Little did I realize that this little amusement we thought to be, actually had a real life scenario hidden behind the meaning of it.

We were all introduced and got accustomed to fairytales as we grew up, but I don't think the majority of the people introducing this idea into an innocent adolescents mind realized how much we actually believed that this would someday become reality.. Little girls soon began to assume that a prince would just come trotting along on a shimmering white horse one day & sweep them off their feet, only to live happily ever after.. But oh boy, did we have the wrong impression.

Love isn't an emotion that only has one side to it, and once you realize that, well, that's when the hope of any magical and enchanting fairytales ever becoming reality slowly seems to fade out of the mind..

It's just like everything else in life.. It repeatedly knocks you down, lower and lower until you finally reach the barren bottom.. And that's when you have to decide if you're going to let it completely destroy you, or if you're going to fight for your worth & learn from your mistakes to make better decisions next time cupids arrow decides to suddenly hit you... And honestly, it's one of the hardest & most painful things you're ever going to experience...

I don't know how people get through this, I really don't. To love somebody so much that it hurts this badly.. It's so good, but it's so bad. It's a manipulative and condescending emotion that disguises itself as beautiful and wonderful, but what happens behind the scenes is never acknowledged until you experience it first hand... And it's a deceitful and cruel reality, that's what really happens. Because the high points leave you at the top of the mountain, feeling like you can fly.. But be careful, next thing you know, you lose your balance and come tumbling down to the bottom all over again...

It's a tedious and repetitive process until somebody decides to either step up to the plate and make the word "love" live up to its "proper" definition of beautiful and wonderful, or one person decides that their "so called lover" just isn't worth the pain and that the suffering they're experiencing, well, they're worth much more than this. And they get up the guts to leave & never look back. And that's what I need to do....

I need to gather up the guts to realize that I'm worth more than how you treat me.. I'm worth more than being treated like an option or a second choice.. I deserve somebody who's going to fight for me to be in their life and make me the best version of myself that I can be... And you? Well you're nothing more than an immature little boy who's so out of touch with his emotions that he has to continuously play games with my heart, just to make sure that my feelings for him haven't faded...

Unable to express to me that he's scared.. He's scared to go any further into his thoughts about us, because it could just actually lead to something and to somewhere.. And that scares him.. I know it does.. I can see it in the way he looks at me, by the way his eyes light up a little brighter around me or how he laughs a little louder and smiles a little wider when I'm there...But even if he does have feelings, I can't wait forever to have him admit it.. I can't wait around, going around the same track, over and over again.. Life goes on... and so will I.

You have to decide when to make a decision for your best interest... Stop putting others first when they wouldn't do so for you.. Better yourself as a person and go where you want to go in life.. Stop letting an individual have control over your heart.. Especially one who can't show that you're important enough to be treated rightly and to have a respectful place in their life...

Bottom line, there are other fish in the sea... And even though you may feel like you've drifted from the current & are out on your own, all alone in the big blue sea, without anyone or anything, believe me; Eventually, you're going to find your way back into the part of the sea where there are fish, and when you're ready & when you've learned to realize your self worth, than I promise you, you're going to meet someone who will make you forget about that immature little boy & show you what it truly is like to love and to be loved.

You just have to keep holding on, that's all you can do for now... Just hold on, keep holding on...