love, dad

f u n e r a l

I started sniffling, grasping my black beanie with a pompom in one hand and my umbrella in the other, my jacket tied around my waist.

My mom walked up beside me, ditching the other adults who were talking about politics, raising your children wrong, and bickering. She wiped my tears away and gave me a hug. "He gave his life for another. I'm sorry Zoe," she said and looked down and patted her belly.

My mom is one of the only people who understands me truly. We've had a bond for a while now. We formed a small and weak one half a month before Father's "death" and it got stronger after because we are the only two left, beside my never-around sister. Everything's harder now, but we got each other and and a baby in the womb. Mom walks away to nothing in particular.

But...

What will the rest of my life be like without Dad? How will we pay for everything, including when the baby comes? We're already in enough debt as is. I've lost someone I love and I'll never forgive myself because I take the blame.

I was the one who asked him to go the extra mile and get me Burger King.

He was safely coming home and no one knows what happened after he got me Burger King.

My ankle high boots started grasping tighter around my feet as the grass got damper. I squatted down slowly, making sure not to rip my dress. Water droplets fell on my hand as I brushed it across the grass.

It started drizzling. I opened my umbrella. Mrs.Brown, my neighbor, directed everyone inside. She's in her early 20's, and I think of her as a friend. She insists I call her Melanie, but I only do it sometimes.

"Z! Get inside!" she yells to me, breaking my connection of past to present. I take my time getting inside, and a flash of lightning makes me go faster. Once I get inside the church, I close my umbrella and look around.

Torches line the walls. Wooden benches are spread around a long row of red carpet, brightening the white interior. The carpet led up to a platform with a stand and a thing that the witnesses in judge shows sit, but there was no chair. Stained glass windows dotted the whole place, especially on the platform. It let a good amount of light in with the rain situation.

I take my white jacket off my waist and put it on along with my black beanie with the pompom.

I glance up and a priest in a white robe is heading to the stand, and he signals to everybody to take their seats. I see the back of my older sister's head and walk over there and sit down between her and mom.

"What's going on?" I whisper. My sister, Sasha, tells me that we need to put our notes into the empty coffin. Dad's body was never found. I forgot about my note, and pulled it out and reread it.

Dear Dad,

I know your dead. But you were the person I loved to death and your gone now. That made a hole in my heart, but I will manage. You gave me love and happiness. Love and happiness led me to being successful and everything I need. Your warm smile and the pitter-patter of your heart to my ears when I gave you a hug made my day. I love you, Dad.
—Zoe

I finished reading and my row stood up and made their way to the coffin to drop their notes in, so I followed. I kissed the slip of paper in my hands and touched it for the last time, letting it drop into the big, wooden bin.

A woman spoke to all of us from the stage. "Parker was a great man. He helped everybody and was so cheerful at the right times and even though I'm saying few words, I don't have enough time to say all the amazing things about him. Thank you."

But I miss the beginning of that day because I still had hope for a good life. But by the end of the day, I let everything go.