CHAPTER 5 - PAIN AND FEAR
I felt my heart stop.
I couldn't believe it. I couldn't register it. It tried to tell myself that it didn't happen, but it did. I watched in horror as the house burned. As the firemen tried to put it out. I watched as they attempted to make it better. But it couldn't be better.
I felt the world stop beneath me. Then, I fell to the ground. I felt someone lift me up, but I didn't know who. Then I felt something soft beneath me - most likely it was grass, but I didn't care. It didn't matter anymore.
I just laid there, watching. I no longer hoped that she would be okay, because there was no hope left in me. None at all. Carter was... I couldn't even bare to think the word. It was just to awful.
The longer I laid there, the colder I felt. And it wasn't the kind of cold you get when you forget to put on a jacket, it was more like an emptyness. Like I didn't have the will to be happy again. My heart was breaking and nothing could stop it. Nothing except Carter. But she was...
I looked around. Noone moved a muscle except the emergency personel. My neighbors stood in silence, watching, seemingly waiting for something, though nothing would ever come.
It was still dark outside, just like inside me. No light, no life, just an emptiness. An emptyness that couldn't be filled.
I felt robbed. I'd only known her for a year. One year. But in that time, she'd become my sister. My best friend. And not she was being taken away from me? I felt anger, resentment, though I wasn't sure who it was for. Who was to blame? I didn't know. But I did know that it wasn't fair. Some people had their whole lives with their Dopplegangers. Like Zane and Mason. They'd spent their lives together. I'd only had one year. One measley year with her. And now she was... It wasn't fair.
"It's not fair!" I yelled before getting to my feet. And I ran, fast.
I was trying to outrun my sadness, my fear. I wanted to leave it all behind, back at Barb's house. I wanted to lose it, but it wouldn't leave. I could't outrun my sadness becasue what I felt was in me. It was inside my heart. And the fear, it was apart of me. I could never leave it behind. Not now, not ever. All I could do was try. So I ran. I ran fast and I ran hard. I wanted to excape. I needed to escape. I couldn't stay tehre anymore. Not when Carter...
Died! a voice in my head yelled.
But I yelled back. No, I said. She can't be dead. She can't be dead. She can't be dead.
I repeated that over and over, trying to convince myself, but ti didn't work. You know she's gone, said a voice inside my head. You feel it. She's gone forever. She's dead, and you let it happen.
No! I yelled.
You let her go. You killed her!
I stopped running and collapsed on the ground. I began to cry. I knew she was gone, but I couldn't believe it. She couldn't die, she'd said so herself. And Zane had said so too. But were they wrong? I felt the emptiness inside. I felt the hole in my heart. Could she die if I died inside? Did it have to be phisiacl? If not, she was... she was dead. She had to be.
I looked up and saw the sun beginning to peek over the horizon. It was morning, almost.
But the tears didn't stop. I kept crying. Was it possible to have morning without the sunrise? Was it possible to love without someone to give you love back? Was it possible to live when Carter was gone?
I had no answers, only questions. And the questions kept coming. They kept swimming inside my mind. They kept infectine me, telling me that it was me who killed her. I shouldn't have let her go, I told myself. She'd still be alive. If only I had held on tighter. If only I had done something.
No matter what I told myself, the conclusion was always the same. Carter was dead, why bother? Did it matter how she died or who was responsible? No. It only mattered that it had happened. It only mattered that she was gone. But still, inside I wondered. What if I hadn't let her go? What if...
But "what if"s wouldn't save her. They wouldn't bring her back. They wouldn only bring back the memories.
I closed my eyes. I could see it - the explosion - clear as day. It had happened so fast. Carter had no warning, none at all. It was an awful sight to look at. So I opened my eyes, but it wouldn't go away. I could still see it.
I could see the firemen failing to control it. I could see the police getting the call and not doing anything fast enough. I could see Barb's mistake that lead to the fire. Or perhaps it was intentionally done. In which case, Carter had been murdered. She'd been killed. But it didn't matter. She was gone, that was that. Nothing could be done for it.
It's like when you watch a horror movie. You tell the girl not to look in the closet, but you know it's unavoidable. And no matter how much you tell yourself not to look, you can't look away. And you see the fear. You see the horror of it. And you can't forget it. But unlike movies, you can't pause real life. You can't just stop it when you want to. You can't rewind it and change things. You have to live with what happened. And nobody's there to warn you not to look in the closet. You have to find out for yourself.
I thought of Carter. What would she want me to do? Would she want me to give up? No. She'd probably kick me if I did, just like she had Jenny.
I had to try. I had to live for Carter. I had to do what we'd promised to do. I had to find O'Bryan. I had to find him for Carter. But I couldn't go back home. Not now, not ever. I just couldn't.
"I won't go back," I said to nobody. "I can't go back."
I heard a soft, but familiar laugh behind me. "And you said I was the stubborn one."
