"It is not your fault, Levi. It was me, I am the one who ruined it all. Don't worry about it. I am so sorry for putting you through this. I still love you, I really do. But I guess I was not enough, that's fine too. I never wanted to steal your life away from you, I never wanted to make you stay if it was against your will. I wanted to love you. And I did, I loved you, I still do. But I lost you. I wanted you to be happy, I wanted you to feel loved. I guess I couldn't fulfill any of your needs.
But I talked about me so much once again, right? You never said so but I know you hated it when I was blabbering about myself.
You always tried so hard to show me how much you loved me with your small gestures. Your small touches, like when you 'accidentally' placed one of your fingers against one of mines, like when you touched my knee with yours while we were at the dining table, the way your hand always found a way of brushing against mine when we were sitting on the couch. Even your blue eyes showed so many feelings and I saw it all, Levi. I never told you but I saw it all. If you look close enough in your eyes, if you actually spend some time trying to understand what those small movements of your iris mean then you could see just how easy to read you actually are, Levi. You're not good at hiding your feelings at all, not in front of me. I knew what you thought in every moment of the day. I could write a whole book just about what every movement of your eyes means, but you won't read it. Because you don't like romantic or scientific books, you only read books about history and wars and politics.
I found it quite boring, to be honest, but I learned so much about you while you were reading. You have this small thing, you always bite your lip at the end of a page, when you have to move to the next one. When there is a really sadistic description of a fight your eyes look away for a second, as if trying to get the courage to keep reading. I think it is beautiful how you laugh at yourself while reading, all because you consider so many of the people in those history books of yours to be some dumb brats. I thought I was your only dumb brat, Levi, but you could switch me anytime with any of those old stupid people. I am offended. (P.S. You were supposed to laugh here, you know, in the way you laugh. A big smile, your eyes closed, your cheeks red, small gasps of air escaping your lips and almost no sound.)
You are beautiful when you smile. And when you cry too. Alright, no, that was definitely a lie, I'm sorry babe. You look like shit when you're crying, you look like a god damned mess and it hurts me to see you like that, it hurts me like hell. How can I write this down without breaking? Well, I can't, I am already broken so who cares? After we had our big fight, when I cheated on you with Armin, remember? Yeah...You cried, I saw you. I saw you crying for the first time since we were together. You were sobbing and yelling, you broke the TV in that day and ripped apart the curtains. I never saw you like that. I cried too, telling you it was a mistake. Levi...It really was. It was my mistake to kiss him, but it was not a mistake that I told you. I knew you would be hurt, but it was better that you found out from me right? Anyway, I wanted to say that in that day, while you were breaking down, you yelled at me some of the words that make me hate myself for doing this to you. You said this, exactly this ' You are my fucking only one! You are everything to me, I have no one, I have nothing beside you, you fucker! I freaking need you okay? I need you to be mine! I need a reason to live and you are my reason to live and I won't freaking share you with anyone else! Fuck you! Literally fuck you for kissing him! How could you? It hurts me so much! Is this what you like huh? To see me in pain?" I never got the chance to answer. I hated every second of it. I love you so much and it freaking hurt me and it still does. I feel so bad for taking your reason to live Levi, I hate myself so much for it, but there is no other way.
