Have you ever had an anxiety attack?
If you have you would know they can be a extremely pessimistic and miserable feeling
On one hand you fall a victim to your own thoughts
, your mind seems unclear and your limbs don't feel like a part of you
It's like an uncontrollable earth quake erupting through your body.
bringing you to a dark palace, a heart aching place, a place of true sorrow
you to start hyperventilating, you shake, you find it unbelievably hard to breath and you cry
You cry because crying is the only way to express how truly hopeless you feel, how truly heartbroken you are. how truly fed up you are
Me, when Im having anxiety attack its usually because I start to think too much about the things that I can never change
When I try to calm myself down, talk myself out of it, I begin to get worse with more crying and shaking.
At this point I'm heavily gasping for air in and out faster and faster
as if I had just ran away
Ran away from myself and the busy thoughts that fill my mind like a crowded bus
Once I'm in this state its too late, I have been taken prisoner by my own overactive mind.
As I continue to fall deeper and deeper into my panic, into my distress
I begin to break down physically and mentally, fighting back with my sanity (or lack of it)
I scream out " I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY! I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY! I JUSY EANT TO BE HAPPY!!",
as if someone was suppose to respond to my desperate cries.
Searching for some type of answer, any sort of sign
Anything to explain where my heads at
I looking up to the heavens and
wonder if maybe, just maybe someone is listening to my prayers among the clouds.
I ask them
"Why can't I be happy? I just want to be happy, I just want to be ok again, smiling genuinely, laughing frequently?"
See the thing with anxiety attacks is that they can go on for a good half an hour if you don't have the "perfect"methods to bring you down from it.
I can't help but feel a sense of personal isolation when I'm having an anxiety attack
Having anyone I care about bring me down from an attack only kills me inside
For them to see me like that, all pathetic, detached, & lost.
It's not that I think they wouldn't understand
I'm just scared they will understand that I feel like giving up half of the time
With anxiety attacks there are so many feelings and emotions flooding your mind you end up just loosing your sanity for that good long half an hour
it almost feels like the death of you.
You know the dying on the inside crying on the out type of feeling.
Knees trembling, hands shaking, lips quivering, and body shivering and you don't know what to do
And all you want to do is climb out of your skin
this distorted state of mind
I like to call
the Inner Demon Domination.
