My mind is whirling. My past begins to fill my mind in slow motion. And my past isn't something I want to remember. I try to escape it, but it always manages to catch up with me. It captures me and holds me in a death lock. Forcing me to watch and relive the memories I've tried so hard to forget.
I'd rather not talk about what's in those memories. They're personal, private, and I'd like to keep them that way. I will tell you that most of them aren't pleasant. They constantly haunt me. They manage to linger at the back of my mind and wait for the chance to strike. And when they come, they come with full force, making me feel helpless. It's the predator, and I'm its prey.
Focusing on the present usually keeps my past memories at bay. Focusing on the future has even more power, it gives me hope, shunning away my past, forcing it into total abliviation. But it's hard to think about the future when you don't have one, or, you can't see yourself having a future. So you do the best you can, you live for now. You try your best to live for the people in your life, but sometimes it's not enough. And it's actually pretty scary.
Constantly thinking, "What if I'm not here tomorrow, would anyone care?" The past screams at you, "No! Of course not! You don't mean anything to anyone, and why would you?" But while the past screams, the future whispers, "Hold on, there's still hope. Remember the people you love. Remember who you're living for." The whisper is like the ocean breeze, it's calm, soothing, and, for a moment, all is well. But sometimes the screams overcome the whispers, and it's like burning lava, scorching you from inside and out, and all you want is peace of mind from the pain. But you can't find hope, and all seems lost.
Even through all this, you still manage to pull through. And it's not because of the people around you, or the future growing stronger, or the past letting go of the hold it has on you, it's you. You find a way to overcome, again and again. And it's simply because you find the strength to carry on. Day in and day out. And you aren't the only one. I'm here with you. I have the same problems, and I find a way to overcome. Somehow, we have the strength, and we use it with full force. It might not be the best thing to use, but it's all we have, so we use it. And we overcome. We are the overcomers. We will not let our past control us, we will control it, and we will live on. No matter what, we will find the strength.
