Any Given Thursday

Chapter 11

Although Jake primarily agreed to participate in this project because it was an almost certain guarantee for acceptance into a prestigious law school, he soon realized that engaging in such time consuming research could become too much of a burden. He was still enrolled in his other classes, as was Celina, but they had been granted independent study by the head of the political science department.

He hadn't wanted to take a literature course, considering he already fulfilled his English and composition requirements as a freshman, but now he was stuck reading and analyzing post modern texts on a sunny Saturday morning—not his idea of a good time. Moreover, Celina left the motel room early to run a few errands, promising to return by the end of the day. Already he was bored because they were nearly finished interviewing the participants in this one horse town.

Statistically speaking, residents of rural areas were much more obliged to agree to fill out their survey and answer a few questions than their big city counterparts. He supposed it made sense considering the state of the economy. Professor Gaither's research grant certainly helped to keep this project afloat. Of course, underclassmen wishing to take advantage of "easy A" independent study certainly sweetened the deal. He and Celina were responsible for the incidentals, but their supplies, room and board, and postage was provided thanks to a generous per diem.

Now that Celina was gone, he suddenly felt antsy. Being bored to tears writing a ten page analytical essay on nihilistic and moral essentialism in Cormac McCarthy's The Road would make anyone ready to stop in this room was too distracting anyway. Every little thing reminded him of Celina's presence. Her unique scent of cinnamon permeated the air, and her work space was littered with drafts of their latest thesis chapter, with handwritten annotations cluttering the desk.

Staring at page seven of his essay, and feeling as if he was going nowhere, Jake yearned to get away. He needed something to distract him, something to take his mind off of work and most importantly Celina. Although he nearly convinced himself that he should resign himself to never having her love again, Jake wasn't a quitter, and he wasn't going to give up on Celina. She moved him in too many unspeakable ways that as a man, he could not fully express.

He was glad that they were friends again, but he could still sense awkwardness in their personal and professional relationship. He knew that Celina still held some sort of residual feelings for him. She may even feel the same way because when he playfully pulled her against him two nights ago when they took in a movie, he could feel her shudder and sigh. He wanted to think that her sigh was one of contentment and not frustration.

He hadn't meant to rub her shoulders so possessively, but with the theater full of other men, Jake felt compelled to demonstrate just exactly to whom the young woman belonged. Maybe that was his problem…treating Celina as if she were a possession.

But that wasn't true anymore and hadn't been for some time. Celina wasn't his girlfriend, she wasn't his fiancée, and she wasn't his wife. It was horrible, being so close to the one you loved and knowing that they didn't feel the same way about you. He knew that Celina was attracted to him, but did she still love him? Truthfully he had never stopped loving her, but he had been too hurt by what had transpired between them to be honest with himself or with her.

It was so easy to place the blame at Celina's feet back then. Their families wanted a common enemy, and Celina, reeling with guilt, readily fell into that role. He should have manned up then and there and told both of their families to shove it. Instead he lashed out at her, his family, at nearly everyone.

Why had he failed to protect her? Why had he failed in the one area that he vowed to be successful? Sipping his coffee, Jake frowned, wishing that he could go back in time and take back every hurtful thing that he had said and done. He knew that they couldn't continue like this for much longer. Their fractious friendship was doomed to fail unless they forgave each other. Complete and total absolution was needed if they were to ever move forward not only as friends, but as people who have healed from the traumatic experience of losing a beloved son.