Sixteen Until Infinity

Day 1

I barely touch my phone anymore. Apparently I have to learn I'm going to die in order to learn that life has more important things to offer than anything my phone can. I used to carry it around even when I stopped using it because I thought the doctors would call with a kidney donor. The last time they called was to set up an appointment, my last appointment. This is when they told me that I would not receive a kidney donor in time to survive. Now I don't carry it anymore. I've locked it in a box, but I would be lying if I told you I never look at it. Sometimes at night, when I can't fall asleep because of the dreadful thoughts darting back and forth in my mind like a pinball machine, I check to see if there's a kidney donor for me. There never is. All I find are pointless social media notifications. Sometimes there are text messages from people who want to meet up with me. I don't answer them. The people I want to see, I'll visit. Because remember, I only have one million three hundred eighty two thousand and four hundred seconds left to live my life.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Today is the first day of my life. That is, my adventure life. Let's call it winter wonderland day. I will spend every other day of the end of my life with my best friend Reagan. The other days? Well, those are family days. Reagan came over at seven in the morning. I wasn't even awake yet. She made me pancakes and bacon with her fancy rose shaped strawberries on top. When I stumbled downstairs in my pajamas, she was making tea.

"Good morning sleepy head."

"It's eight o'clock in the morning Reagan, you're just an early bird." I sat down in a chair and began eating breakfast. She placed my tea at the top left corner of my place-mat and did the same with hers. We sat there for many minutes before anyone spoke. As she fixated on the teabag in her mug, her face grew desolate. "What ya thinkin' about?"

She continued to stare into her mug as she answered me. "Are you scared?"

"Scared about what?"

"About dying?"

"Not really. I guess I've just excepted it."

"Sometimes I think I'm more scared of you dying than you are." she began calmly with a hint of sorrow in her voice. She paused for a moment as her face grew confused. "How can you not be afraid?" her voice began to get louder and angrier. She began looking at me instead of her tea bag. "Why do you lock your phone in that stupid box! What if the doctor calls you and says that they found a kidney!? What if they can save you? And you don't even care that you might die!" When tears began to roll down her cheeks she stopped yelling. She walked out of the room with her hand on her mouth and a rainstorm in her eyes.

"Reagan," I tried yelling after her, but the slam of the balcony door acted as camouflage to my words.

I couldn't bring myself to go after her. I didn't want to move. I sat there thinking about what she said. Even though I didn't agree with any of it, I couldn't help but wonder if she was right. The doctors had already told me they didn't have a donor yet, but what if? They told me I was not going to make it, but maybe I still had a chance. What if my donor was out there? What if I had a donor but didn't know it because I was avoiding the fact I was going to die? Was I avoiding the fact I was going to die? I didn't think I was. The more I thought about it the more I believed it. Trying to hold back the tears wasn't possible, but that didn't stop me from doing it. I tried to hold them in because I knew I couldn't face what was really happening. I lied to Reagan. I didn't accept that I was going to die, I was just too scared to think about it for another second. I couldn't change how I thought of it now. I couldn't give myself false hope. But deep down, I knew I was lying to myself.

When I finally pulled myself together, my mug was empty. Reagan had not come back inside yet, so I put my mug in the dishwasher and grabbed my coat. The air was the type of cold where it bites your nose and numbs the tips of your fingers no matter how many pairs of gloves you wear. Even though it was cold, the snow had not yet fallen.

Walking toward the balcony, I spotted Reagan sitting on one of the white cushioned chairs. I grasped the metal handle and thrusted the door open, letting the house consume the frigid air. Reagan turned her makeup blotched face toward me. I sat next to her on the same chair and leaned my head on her shoulder. After sitting there for many silent minutes, a single snowflake fell from the clouds above. Neither of us had noticed. More had begun to fall but it wasn't until I felt a cold sensation on my cheek that I lifted my head from Reagan's shoulder. I placed my hand in front of me as if I was holding the air. At first, she looked a me strangely but followed my lead. Snowflake crystals landed on both of our hands, quickly melting when they reached our skin's warm surface. I went inside without saying a word, and to my surprise she followed. As I went to the coat closet, I could see the snow through the kitchen window coming down heavily now.

I placed my arms through the sleeves of the marshmallow looking winter coat and simultaneously handed Reagan hers.

"Where are you going?" she asked as I made my way toward the balcony door.

"Just follow me," I said as I took her wrist in my hand and pulled her to the now open sliding door. The snow was being blown into the house by the frozen winds. We ran out the open door and down the balcony stairs.

I let go of her wrist and stood in the grass with my mouth open toward the sky, like a baby bird waiting to be fed. The large snowflakes fell into my open mouth and on my face. We stood there, catching snowflakes in our mouths until the snow covered the grass with a layer of snow. We laid in the cold, white tipped grass and flapped our arms, creating what looked like angels in the thin snowy layer. Reagan rolled down the hill behind the house and I followed. After a while, the snow had built up on the ground and we began packing it into the palms of our hands, creating small balls and throwing them at each other. As we laughed and played like children, the snow came down. And as it built up, we began creating larger snowballs, stacking them on top of each other as they grew. Until the sun began to hide behind the hills, did we notice how late it had got.

As we walked up the balcony stairs we realized how hungry we were since we skipped lunch. Reagan shut the balcony door when she entered the house and I went into the kitchen. I boiled the previously boiled water. When Reagan walked into the room, she knew what I was doing and grabbed two mugs with Christmas trees and candy canes on them. After a while, the bird at the spout of the tea kettle began to chirp. We filled the mugs with the packets of powdered chocolate and piled whipped cream and marshmallows on top. To warm up our frozen toes, we sat in front of the fire place covered in blankets. 

"I'm sorry I freaked out before," Reagan apologized to me. 

"It's okay. I know you just said it because you care," 

"I'm just worried about you. You never answer your phone anymore and I wish you would so I could talk to you. You also never know when a kidney donor will show up. You still have time." 

"I don't have time Reagan," 

"What do you mean," 

"The doctor called me yesterday and told me I wouldn't be able to get a kidney donor in time and that I have sixteen days left." 

"Why didn't you tell me," She said slowly, her eyes filling with tears. 

"I just got the news yesterday, I didn't even know how to deal with it myself."

"I'm gonna miss you," Reagan said as she put her head on my shoulder.

"You'll see me again, I promise." I assured her, putting my head on her's. 

We both laid there in silence. It was a different silence than before. It wasn't sad, but comforting and loving. We sat their the rest of the night and I fell asleep with her head on my shoulder as the fire died out.