My Confessions

Chapter one

Is there ever points in your life where you lay in your bed, gazing at the wall, wondering that when you fall asleep that you will never wake up? That you wonder what people will think of you when you're gone? What they will do with your stuff? If they would even go to your funeral?

Are there points in your life where you sit in the corner of your bedroom and just cry? Cry about the mistakes you made in life, the things you should of done, and even things that you wish you never had dealt with?

Are there points in your life when you feel like giving up because you aren't as pretty as the girl sitting across from you in math that's flirting with the boy of your dreams? Points in your life when you pray to god asking him to give you a chance? A chance to be noticed by the guy, the chance to run away from the demons, a chance to prove that you are as important as everyone else? Even if you have an illness?

An illness that affects your life, an illness that makes that girl who bullied you in the bathroom bringing you flowers? An illness that your parents will never be able to pay the debt from? An illness that can't be controlled? Welcome to my life.

Mom gave me a smile. It was fake. She told me not worry, that everything was okay. "You will get through this," she said. But how could I? How could I tell my friends the news? Would they support me? I didn't want to think of those questions but they kept appearing in my brain. Like bugs in a video game. You can try to fix them, but they never go away. They will always come back.

A buzz from my pocket interrupted the awkward silence between my mom and I. I hesitated, who could it be now?

What happened?

It was Emily. She didn't see the accident that happened. She was too busy talking to her boyfriend by her locker. Great.

Ill tell you later

I texted her trying to play it off as nothing. Everything is okay. Everything will be back to normal in no time. But that was just my brain trying to persuade reality that I'm fine. Didnt work.

I shoved my phone back in my pocket just as the doctor walked in. He was wearing khakis and a frown. Great. Just another thing to make my day even more positive! His glasses were sliding off of him like a librarian that yells at you to keep quiet. He was even balding, his brown hair eaten up with grey and white. He took one look at me and told me it was just going to take a minute, saying he wanted to talk to my mom separately. He spoke every word carefully as if I was going to fall to the floor and break like glass. Except, I didn't really pay attention to the words he said. I payed attention to the reflective, sun bright ring on his finger. It had a little smudge on it that covered me from seeing myself.

It made me imagine him having a family. Them laughing and giggling at Christmas parties, a thing I don't think I will ever be able to go to again. I imagined him having children all healthy and starting their own businesses then were successful from it. A thing I wouldn't be able to live long enough for. I shook my head, hitting me back to reality again.. I glanced at his silver chipped name tag, it read Mr.Rouch. If you think about it, it rhymes with Grouch.

"Elli, are you alright?" my mom questioned, holding a confused look on her face.

I smiled. "Yes."

No. My head throbbed and my bones ached. Plus, my whole entire life felt like a stab in the back.