To Hurt This Much

The Roles We Deserve

Loki slowly opens his eyes. He tries to figure out where he is, the place is too dark for him to see exactly which realm he is in. Maybe he is in a different spirit realm, maybe this is where Hela sent him.

He is lying on his side, he meant to try and stand but something heavy is wrapped around his waist, minimizing movement. He groans in frustration, unable to move and see, he can't do anything much. His sound stirred something from behind him, he felt the weight on his waist shift...

"Loki? Are you  awake?"

......Thor!.....

Once he heard that voice...that voice...Loki hyperventilates. Is he dreaming? A nightmare perhaps? Because his brother can't be with him! He is dead! He is. Or is he?  Norns help him! Can he be cursed?!!!

"Breathe brother...breathe...hush.... Come on Loki be still, you're safe."

Loki is now full on crying, really crying. Is he not dead? What kind of fool is Hela taking him for? Surely the norns do not jest! Why is he beside Thor? Why is he so unlucky that he even failed in ending his life? He cannot fathom more of the same kind of pain that he tried to escape, he won't submit anymore...better for Thor to end his life for him.

"Look at me Loki. Please look at me."

Loki turned to face the voice in the dark.

"Ye-yes-ss my king?" Loki can't mask the shaking of his voice. His vision is blurry because of his tears.

"Why?"
"You tried to kill yourself. You wanted to be rid of me?" So much hurt and pain in Thor's voice that Loki can't picture him ever being this vulnerable, at least not in the past few months. Maybe in the centuries that past when he was still loved and adored but not now...not anymore. Loki is choking on his tears, he can't talk, he can't blame Thor, everything is his fault anyway...dying was his best option...rid the realms of himself...rid Thor of his burden of a brother...rid himself of the pain of being treated like dirt...he just wants an end...this is him completely submitting...not to Thor...to fate...his fate...away from his Thor...because he has no place with him anymore. And so he cries, wails even. Thor is beside himself. He is unable to console Loki...he seems so broken. Thor knows it's his doing that caused Loki to despair. He overdid his dramatics. He got carried away. He can't make his beloved listen, every tear that falls from Loki is a dagger straight to his heart. He holds him tight and kisses every inch of his face he can reach.

"I love you. I'm sorry. I love you. I thought I lost you. I was prepared to follow you to Hel and bring you back and to stay with you if I could not." Thor emphasized every word, hoping Loki understands and believes him. He needs Loki to believe him.

Loki heard everything Thor said but his mind is still too clouded with doubt and filled with grief. He can't process his words. He can't respond. Until he felt too exhausted from crying and falls back to sleep.

Loki fell asleep crying. Now Thor is crying too. He almost lost his baby brother, his lover, his love, his life, his past-present-future, his all, his everything. In that moment when he felt Loki's life slipping away, he was prepared to give up the throne. He was ready to tear the realms apart for him. He was ready to barter the whole of Midgard in exchange for Loki's spirit. He was ready for anything except let go of him.

The next time Loki woke, the first face he saw was Thor's, looming above him, smiling like a lunatic. But as soon as Thor realized that his smile wasn't returned, his face dropped. Loki still hates him. Thor goes to the side of Loki's bed and kneels and cries. He doesn't know what to say anymore. When Loki is well, he will ask to be allowed to leave or be imprisoned. He will give him freedom, because he already knows he will and he won't see Loki again. And he just might mirror Loki and gut himself instead of facing life without him.

Why would Thor cry? Why is he crying? Could it be? No, I can't hope. It will only hurt more. But my golden sun shouldn't be crying especially if those tears are for worthless me...

"Thor?"

"I'm abdicating the throne. We're leaving Asgard, you and me. I almost lost you. The power my position held overwhelmed me. I won't be king without you. Asgard can fall into ruin for all I care. Run away with me Loki."

"What? Why?" Loki can't understand why Thor would choose him over....all else?

"No. Now it's my turn to oppose you." Loki tentatively touches Thor's chin and the thunderer leaned in to his touch.

"You cannot forsake Asgard and all the other realms. Odin left it to you and Mother trusted you with its care."

"But you're leaving and I'm not staying without you, so we leave together. I love you Loki, always have, always will, always you. I got lost, determined to make you submit because I wanted you to stay. I needed you to choose me over everything else and begging before never really helped so I chose this...and I'm sorry...for making you feel less than who you are...for the humiliation, the hurt, the pain, and everything else in between."

Everything Thor wanted to say, he said...he poured every emotion he can muster...without losing eye contact, hoping to prove to Loki the extent of his love for the younger god.

"We both lost our way Thor. We don't need to be somewhere else to find ourselves. We just need to be with each other. And I have no plans to leave...not anymore anyway. I love you Thor...always have. I just was too hurt to go on. The pain was unbearable because you were causing it and I felt trapped. I'm sorry for causing trouble.

"I can't undo what I did. I would spend a lifetime making up for it until I see a genuine smile from you, the smile you used only for me."

Loki secretly thanks Hela for sending him back....to his Thor.

"Loookkeeee! Where are you?!" The palace halls is filled with the voice of Thor. Half a century later, a good number of years after Loki officially became Consort to the King, people have grown used to King Thor seeking Loki himself instead of sending for him. Sometimes, like a petulant child, Loki will hide until he hears Thor whine for him.

As it turns out Loki got what he deserved...what Thor believes his brother deserves...welcoming arms, unabridged laughter, acceptance, love, respect, devotion, and all the perks of being consort to the Allfather.

Thor and Loki will continue to defy the odds, test limits, bicker over nothing, but alwaYs love each other with reckless abandon because it is fate...their fate...lives intertwined like vines, hearts melded together as if forged in stone, life force of one another...handicapped without each other. Keepers of the Realms until the end of time itself.

                       The End