In my chest i sensed the existence of a bomb. A silent bomb that would wipe me off this earth without anyone even noticing.It was counting down the days, hours, minutes and even seconds before its clock is gets to 00:00 and it terminates me out of this life. It was ticking inside me, i can really feel it. When i put my hand over the left top side of my chest i could feel it ponding inside, sometimes it becomes fierce and it feels like its ripping its way out of my chest and and at other times it goes extremely slow and its beats are slow and painful that it feels like its being squashed by a rock inside my chest. I wish that my time in this life would finish and my heart which is ticking its time to my last second in this world would simply beat its last beat, so that I'm gone !
Honestly, i don't think anyone would even care. No one would wonder why am i not there anymore and I'm sure that a lot of people would be relieved for the fact that i am no more. That i am gone and will never come and my memory will simply fade out in a couples of days if not hours. Especially now, after i attempted suicide, i know that no one really likes or even care about me because everyone thought back then when death was right next to me that i am a sinner and deserve to go to hell. My dad was ashamed of me. My mom didn't even want to hear a single thing about me and none of the people who i thought were my friends even thought of calling to check on me or visit me. Those things really did hurt me back then but no longer effect me right now because that day on August the 2nd 2012, death didn't take my soul away because my clock was still on and it wasn't my time to go but it did take away a lot of things away from me some that i am aware like the sense of caring about and loving others but there are many other thing that are no longer in me anymore. Ever since that die a big part of me is lost, i think since death in never leaves a place empty handed it might have taken a big part of me which now i consider dead.
Now, i live my life without a purpose i just go through with the day because my heart is still beating in my chest and is keeping me alive. But i dont want to live like this. I want to love and be loved. Thats all i want. I want my parents to love me, the way they loved me when i was first born. They loved me unconditionally because i was the joy of their lives but now i am the darkness that corrupting their lives. I am nothing worthy to them anymore and they always talk about disowning me because i bring shame upon the family and its name.
My mom cant even stand looking at my face anymore, like i heard her say while talking on the phone the other day " I hate coming back home. I wish that i could just pack my cloths and go somewhere else because i cant even stand looking at her face or even being at the same place with her." I always knew that she hate me but i never expected hearing such a thing coming out of her mouth. My mother, the one who was pregnant with me for nine months, the one who protected me even from the silliest things on earth, the one who i always stood in everyone's face including family members when they would insult, curse or call her names, the one who i was tortured and hit because i defended her, now HATES me and cant stand seeing my face 😔. I tried to ignore what i heard but she still acts weird whenever I'm around, she ignores me and turns to my cousins. Its like I'm not there, like they are her kids and I'm just an intruder but its okay now, i understand. I understand that she hates me now and regrets bringing me to this world. So, i will fade out not at once of course but over time i will. I don't want her to feel that its her fault that I'm gone. I want her to think that it was just me the corrupted bitch gone elsewhere so she would be relived as she will never worry about seeing my face or being under the same roof with me.
My dad is the one who constantly takes about disowning me because he is ashamed of having me as a daughter because i bring disgrace upon his and the family's name. He always says that he is not humored to have a daughter like me that has done nothing but bring shame upon the family. I guess he forgot that once i was the most precious thing in his life and that of all my siblings i am the only one who resembles him and look exactly lime him while you couldn't tell if the others were even his children. I always loved my dad even with all his flaws and mistakes i kept loving him and i don't think that anything would ever make me hate him. He used to hit me a lot when i was younger and for stupid non-valid reasons but i continued loving him. Sometimes i convince myself that he loves me but doesn't know how to show it but i guess i am wrong because how can u tell a person that u will disown her if you loved.
Those people who i call my friends don't even have the slightest clue of who i am or what do i go through every single day of my life ever since i was born. A lot of people hate me and make others hate me as well but i don't care anymore everyone can hate me as much as they want because i am going to be gone soon and they will not effect me at all when I'm gone for good. And the nothing annoys me more that those who that im just a spoiled girl that has the easiest and the most perfect life on earth because i am being showered with money. They don't know that these are just stupid assumptions that their stupid minds has set about me and my life. They don't know that i am just a fake imposter. Nothing about me is real, nothing at all not even my smile. I am lonely and cry all the time but no one notices. I cry myself to sleep and wake up everyday and go to school looking like someone who walked out of a grave but no one cares to even ask and see if something is wrong or if i needed help or comfort.
I wake up everyday to find myself in a prison with all means of communication taken away from me. I am serious doors are locked on me and my sister in the house so that we cant go out at all and phones are taken away from us so that we don't call or contact anyone as they want to keep us isolated from everyone. I am not allowed to go outdoors or even to a friend's house unless there is someone with me to supervise me that in the case of going to a friends house of course. I am absolutely not allowed to go to any place no matter where it is unless my mother is with me. Now my mom hates seeing my face so I'm jailed in this house. What kills me the most is that the give my 12 year old brother the keys of the house's doors if HE needed them and hide it from us and not give it to us or else he will be in trouble. The didn't need to tell him not to give us the keys because he wont since he already hates me and my sister. And the internet i can barely access it because it is a mean of communication and socialization are both just is simply banned for both my sister and I.
EVEN WITH ALL THAT I TRY TO PUT ON A SMILE BECAUSE I AM PLANNING TO GO AWAY AS I DONT SUIT THIS WORLD AND I WANT TO END MY FAMILY'S MISFORTUNE AND SHAME THAT I BRING UPON IT. I WILL GO AWAY BECAUSE IM TIRED OF FIGHTING BATTLES THAT I KNOW FOR SURE THAT I AM GOING TO LOOSE AND BE HATED MORE FOR TRYING TO WIN.
My clock will go off soon, as i will manipulate it to to get to the 00:00 and finish its countdown as my heart will beat its last beat.
I don't want to be remembered as the girl who chose the easy way out. I want to be remembered as the girl who fought the battles of life for so long and saw that if she eliminated herself her family will be happier and better off. That is of course if someone cared to remember me.
And if my parents ever read this, i would just like them to know that i am sorry and it i have offended them in what i have written then I'm just some piece of garbage that deserves to rot in hell for ever.
