Steven Homley, A Life About Me

Steven Homely, Cool's Ahead. A Life about Me

Once upon a time... First let me back up. My name is Homely, Steven Homely. And I live in Hawaii. Im also not that lucky. And don't be saying "Oh it would be so nice living there" and "Oh I wish I lived there" because it stinks living here. And you may be asking yourself how it could stink in Hawaii. Ill tell you exactly why. I go to the ST. Patrick Street Country Middle school. It is the exact opposite of the Pacific Ocean, all nice and beautiful. There are only 12 lockers (and I don't get one, only the cool kids get one) and when it rains the ceilings leaks and smells like feet and dead fish. My family first got transferred here because of my dads juice company. He thinks he's such and awesome dad because he can give his kids free juice. Well HE IS NOT! He decided for my 11th birthday he would give me an empty soda can and let me experiment with it. I have one older sister named Sally. She thinks she can boss me around just because she is a year older than me. And she gets a cell phone and an iPad and all that fun stuff, and I only get an Emergency call and Home call phone. Anyway... My dad got transferred here because they want to put juice in the Hawaii international Walmart. Oh.. And did I mention that we don't even live on the Pacific Ocean or someone nice like you would picture Hawaii? Well we don't, and we never will. My mom, very overprotective, said the house there cost like a trillion dollars and that even if we had the money we would never move there because there's to many earthquakes and tornados and bla bla bla. Oh and my dads really afraid of germs. If we are out somewhere we have a rule that every minute we have to put hand sanitizer on, no exceptions. Anyway, we used to live in Los Angeles California, and I'm really bummed we moved away from there. We lived right next to Selena Gomez. My bedroom window looked right into her bedroom. She's a sleep eater. You could always here her practice her music. We just moved in a week ago so we are still getting ready. Don't get me wrong that our house isn't great here. Actually you can think that because it isn't great. It is as big as a storage closet and there is only one room. I share with my sister and my mom and dad, which if your like me, really stinks. Because, I'm 13, and I NEED my privacy. We also share a bathr... Not really a bathroom, more of a kitchen sink and we shower right in our lawn... In front of everybody... All together... With a garden hose. It stinks. Especially if your me! I'm also not that lucky because I go to a cheep economy school and my precious sister (older than me) is HOMESCHOOLED! Not fair. She gets to eat lunch at home, I get to eat raw tuna. She gets to start at 10 A.M. and finish at 12, and I get to start school at 7 and finish at 3:30... And then don't forget the two hours of homework I get to do as soon as we get home. And then dinner, check homework, clean, go to bed... That's how my life is everyday. My sister, as soon as I get home, starts talking about what a GREAT day she had at homeschool. And when I'm doing all this work, Sally just yaps on her phone going over her talking limits about her no good ex-boyfriend that cheated on her. Please. If she had my life and did everything I did... She'd be happy to have her nerd of a boyfriend to be cheating on her with some goth girl.

Anyway... I'm a nerd. Everybody knows I'm a nerd. But I only get straight C's on all my grades. How could I be a nerd if I get half my work wrong? The reason I'm telling you this.. Something I never tell anybody... Is because my mom got be a tutor today. Ugghhh. Tutors. They think they are so smart because they can teach their great wisdom and smartness to dumb people. And I'm one of those dumb people. This special tutor is supposed to be ugly and a very smart girl, that will supposedly teach me to be smart in math, science and reading. And... If you ask me, I'm great in reading and math and science. Just the other day my father gave me a triangle on a piece of paper. It said 3 on one side, and 4 on the other... And then the problem said find X on the last side. My father and mother couldn't figure it out. Neither could Sally. Idiots. I walked right up to them and circled X. It said find X... And I did.

I am so happy. My tutor my mom find me on the Hawaii tutor website... Is and international super model from Canada. She has blonde hair and blue eyes and always talks about her travels as being a model. Nothing about school, just about her cute self. That's my kinda tutor. I think I'm gonna ask her out this week. There's a new silent movie in the park and I think I'm gonna ask her to go with me there. Not as my baby sitter, but as my GIRLFRIEND. I haven't ever had a girlfriend before.. And I think it's the next step to being cool in my school.

So... Today is next tutor lesson. We are learning about chemistry, just the right subject to be asking my new tutor out to the silent movie in the park. I have to make this question perfect, because, she is two WHOLE years older than me. To make the date perfect I did a few things. First, I payed one of my nerds at my school $30 to play the violin during the silent movie. Romantic right? Next today my super rare super good smelling cologne came in. It smells like lemons and water grass (that's because that's what it says on the label). I sprayed a half the bottle on me the second it arrived on my door step. Little did I now that the super rare super good smelling cologne absolutely STINKS when you put to much on. Now I smelled like a wet tuna dog. (Tuna dogs are my favorite food, you put some tuna on a hot dog, and then you put milk on top, and then you put it in the blender with some hot sauce and anchovies.) I took a shower and then put on a little cologne on, careful to not smell like a tuna dog again. Next I got flowers from my moms garden... These are the best flowers you could ever think of. They smell wonderful!!!! She is so gonna say yes.

The next thing I knew the doorbell was ringing and ringing... And that meant I had a hot future girlfriend waiting for me, ready to be swept off her feet by a boy that was one foot shorter than her. I opened and said come in my dear, but right after I said that I looked, at her, or it wasn't a her, it was her father, Mr. Sanders. What was her father doing here? After talking to him, (he talked A LOT about the protection and safety of boys and his daughter and bla bla bla. I tune adults out a lot) Anyway, he said that his daughter was on a European model tour right now and won't be back for another six weeks. Great, just my luck, I'm stuck with a gun expert that will keep me from asking out my daughter tutoring me for six weeks guy. Again, just my luck. I spent over $400 on cologne and flowers and great clothes and showers and chocolate for her and now the silent movie airing will be over by the time she comes back. This was the first time I found TRUE LOVE, and now it is ruined by her stupid father and the stupid model managers and all that fun stuff. So, I guess I'll learn about her father for six weeks. Yay.