The Ride

Emily

"You know, New York surprised me" He shared whilst we were on my sofa, smoking cheap cigarettes and discussing how love had been. "Like, I was twenty-one and all I needed was something to pick me out of the company I run with." He pauses, taking a deep breath as if he was about to cry. "Now I'm twenty-two and I need something to keep me inside the company I run with." I had never seen him look so broken and it was tearing me apart. His once adoring eyes look like he wanted to die - like he was already dead. "I have only written two songs since I left you and all they have done for me is pay for cigarettes and drugs to keep you out of my mind." That hurt me a lot, it still hurts that he cannot bear to think of me. In this moment I realised that I deserved better. I deserved better than some boy that does drugs because our love is too powerful for him. I deserve better than some boy that says he loves me over and over but has never proved it. He's never fought for me, ever. He never acts like he wants me. When he's gone, he's gone.

I'm starting to lose my patience with him. When he left the first time we managed to survive for six days - after that, he had lost me. I have pushed myself so far away from him that I genuinely do not believe that he knows who I am anymore. He doesn't know my passions or what drives me. He probably still thinks that it's him and maybe my brain does too, but, my heart knows best and my heart knows that I deserve better. I'm still trying to find better but it's hard when every single song is about you - even the ones that paint you out to be the worst person on this earth. The ones that make it seem like you're destroying him - which in some ways is true but that is only because he is making me destroy him, and I am so done with the whole destroying each other game. It's old and it hurts. I deserve better so I am going to go out there and do better, get better. He will not be the thing to stop me from getting that.