I'm going to warn you all that it can be some sensitive content in this story. I apologize. My reason for writing this is because I know there are people out there in familiar situations, maybe no one of them are reading this, but if they are, I think of you and if you, anyone, ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Just send me a message.
Tanya. Only her name makes me smile. Her smile makes me smile. Her laugh makes me smile and feel all warm inside. She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I'm in love with her. I'm in love with Tanya. My name is Jessica, Jessica Cornish and I'm thirteen years old. I know I am a girl and I'm supposed to be in love with boys but I'm not. There is only one teacher on my school that knows that I am bisexual and he said that it's just a phase. But I have been feeling like this for a year now, it's not a phase. I wish it was, I wish it is, but it's not. I start to think that it's some sort of disease, people like I shouldn't be aloud to live. I'm just disgusting, and if anyone finds out they'll leave my side the next second, I'm sure of it.
I am slowly walking to school, kicking on a few stones. I hate school. No one cares and there are only prejudiced people there. If I tell them I am bisexual everyone will say "But you're not in love with me, right?!" And then they will leave. I know why they will do it, I probably would have too if it wasn't because I am one myself. I know how it is. Then in fact, that doesn't help. I'm not normal, I don't belong in the world. It's people like me who breaks the norms, who everyone hates. I have changed my mind. I don't have a disease, I am a disease. That's me. Jessica Cornish, the disease, the freak, the slut that no one would like if they ever found out about me.
I'm at school, everything is like it always is. We have our classes, lunch and breaks. I'm talking to my friends and then it's over. It's never happening anything fun or different. Maybe that is good? That means that nothing ever has to change. If it change I might get too comfortable, then it happens. I’ll tell them. Then it’s all over. I walk out of school and look squinting up in the sky, it’s gray and it’s raining. I pull my hoodie on and slowly run home. I pick up my key as fast as I can and lock up. I slam the door open and expects that no one is home but mom and grandma is looking up at me when I stand there shocked in the doorway.
“Hello baby! Welcome home! Now close the door before it gets cold please,” mom says. I blink hard bringing myself back to reality and do what mom told me. “But look at you! You’re all wet! Tell you what, you go up and take a warm shower and get into some dry clothes while me, you and granny watch a movie together with some warm toast and tea, how about that?” I nod enthusiastically, that sounds great. I love my mom and grandma, they are always so nice and I’ve missed grandma, so much. I run upstairs and jump into the shower, that is when I notice how cold I really am. I can’t have the water warm at all, even the lukewarm water is burning my body. Every time I get used to the heat I turn it up further. After around twenty minutes I think it’s time to go out and take on something cozy so I can join mum and granny downstairs.
I grab a pair of sweatpants, a T-shirt and a hoodie. I run downstairs and see that everything except the movie is already prepared and I happily jump to the sofa and sit down in the middle. I know it will be a fight over who should get the seat besides me otherwise and it always ends up in me getting the middle anyway, so I just skip that today. Grandma sits down on my right and pull me in for a hug.
“I’ve missed you sweetie,” she says sweetly.
“I’ve missed you too,” I smile.
“So, now, any interesting boys?”
“No,” I shake my head. It hurts me, a lot. Not the fact that I don’t find any of the boys interesting, that part isn’t a problem. The problem is when everyone I know only ask for boys. It’s not that it’s weird, the majority of the girls is in love with boys, I am too. I just love girls as well. It makes me feel even more like I am a disease, or even an animal. It’s like they are saying that I can’t love the same sex. That is why everyone is so afraid to come out, why I am afraid to come out. You should at least trust your family enough to tell them, right? I can’t. I don’t see what’s so hard with just asking ‘Any interesting boys or girls?’ and not only boys if you are a girl and girl if you are a boy. Is that because they are afraid to get judged too? I don’t know. I feel sick anyway.
