⚠Austin Carlile : Pain

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TRIGGER WARNING

*frequent talk of cutting*

I've fucked up. Again. I don't understand how I'm still alive. What's keeping me alive? I'm so lost and helpless it's pathetic. I'm crying again. Fuck. I don't have a healthy 'coping method'. I don't write, I don't walk, and I don't eat. I cut.

I'm actually surprised with myself. It's not 2AM and I'm not crying on my bed, waiting to fall asleep. I'm in my best friends bathroom. Classy. He knows that I'm depressed, and he knows I have some issues, but he doesn't know I cut. And he can't/won't know.

"Hey (Y/N) you ok in there? You've been in there a while. Are you taking a shit, cause like, that's ok you know.....(Y/N)?"
He can't fucking know I'm doing this. "Uh, y-yeah Aust I-I'm fine. T-thanks though." I sniffled.

"Let me know if you need anything. Ok? Love you (Y/N). Like, in a best friend way. Ok. I'm gonna leave now."
I don't hear him walk away, but I imagine he did.

I let out a needed whimper. I drug the blade across my thigh again, waiting for satisfaction. It never came.

(A/n it never does. You're never completely satisfied when you cut. Trust me. I know. You start off small, but then it just keeps going on until you're addicted. It's like a drug. Please, don't cut. It's not worth it. 💞)

I freeze when I hear a key in the doors lock. Fuck! I hurry to try and clean up as much of the blood as I can. I throw the blade and bloody tissue into the trash. But it's too late. He's seen my darkest secret.

The look on his face was one I had never seen. There was hurt, confusion, anger, and sympathy all in that one look. But there was something else there that screamed 'LET ME PROTECT YOU'

I was waiting for the yelling, the wall punching, and the tears. But they never came. He pushed past me to the garbage. He dug until he found my blade. He then began to cut his own wrists.

I screamed with hot tears streaming down my cheeks. I jumped towards him and ripped the blade from his fingers and threw it down the toilet. I began to wrap his arm in toilet paper so thick, it made his arm 1/4in thicker. While I was wrapping, I counted 14 cuts.

I started hitting his chest and screaming. "WHY WOULD YOU DO IT?!?! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO IT?!?!?! ANSWER ME GODDAMMIT!!!"

He looked down at me and wiped my tears away with his thumb. He sat me down and started to clean my leg up. "I did it because I love you (Y/N). I always have. I knew what you were in there doing as soon as I heard your cries. Do you think I've never noticed? Goddammit (Y/N) it hurts so bad to see them. I've counted them you know. You go in 14s. You were at 70 last I looked. What are you at now? 84?"

"98." I say barely audible.

"Fuck (Y/N). Why did you never tell me? I would've done anything to help you."

"I didn't want you to think less of me Austin. I didn't want you to see me as some broken little girl who needs sympathy. I didn't want to los-"

I was cut off by his lips on mine. Our lips fit like puzzle pieces. This was the missing part of my life. I never realized it, but he was what was keeping me alive. I needed him, but more than in the way of a best friend. I needed him as a lover. We kissed, our lips moving in sync, for a good 30 minutes.

He pulled away panting slightly. He rested his forehead on mine and held my hand. We sat in eachothers embrace until my stomach growled. He smiled, picked me up bridal style, and walked into the kitchen, making us dinner.

SUP HOES!!! HOPE YALL LIKED MY FIRST X READER THING! I HOPE I DIDN'T SUCK TOO BAD THO...ANYWAYS, DONT FUCKING CUT YOURSELF. IT WONT END UP LIKE THIS. THERE WON'T BE A HAPPY ENDING. ANYWHORE, I LOVE YALL TO THE MOON AND BACK. STAY STRONG AND DONT GIVE UP.  STAY ALIVE ✌

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⏰ Last updated: Nov 29, 2016 ⏰

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