I Love You, Goodbye

  I could start by naming all the things I hate about you but they would all be lies. Truth is, I fell in love with all the things someone could hate about you. I fell in love with the creases in your smile when you would smirk , that uncontrollable high pitched laugh when we would lay on our backs in my room, and the way your muscles contracted and tightened around me every time we hugged, letting me know I was always safe. Most of all, I fell the hardest from the first time we kissed and every time after. That first kiss... I could say it sucked, that there was nothing between us, and no spark ignited but, that first kiss had a spark that ignited me like a firework on the Fourth of July. The kind of spark that kept me illuminated for days and left people wondering. Your kiss was my saving grace and something I craved for every day.
      Every girl dreams of finding her "Prince Charming" and I would think to myself, "damn I found him." The way you gave me have butterflies every time you would walk to my class making my palms clammy and shaking, the way you made me feel like the only girl in the world, and how time suddenly would speed up when we were together. Every little quirk made my heart shine brighter because I could call you mine.
   Along with all the good times and amazing things about you, I looked past some of the bad things about you. You had me wrapped around your finger and I thought I wasn't going anywhere.  I looked past the way you would talk to me sometimes, the short answers and making me feel unloved and worthless. I even looked past all the girls in your phone, having so much trust in us I was too blindsided to see. The biggest of them all, I looked past the lying. Always putting my trust and faith into you, I looked past the bullshit everyone around our tiny town warned me about. All these girls coming up to me in the hallways around school saying, "he's no good", "he lies", and, the biggest bombshell, "he's going to break your heart." It felt like a movie where you know something bad is going to happen but you are too hooked to turn it off .
     My heart ached like I never knew it could when you said to me we need a break. 4 words that cut me deeper than a knife. Crying for hours, feeling empty and lost, and not motivated to do anything for the few following weeks. You had me counting on forever when all you were counting on was a few short months.
   Re-reading every text message, glancing over the comments under my photos had me wondering where I went wrong. Seems like yesterday it was beautiful, sunny, and we were in this thing until the end. Knowing I gave up everything to you and allowing someone so special to break down my walls of insecurities. I think that's why I hold on to you. Our memories and what we had over those long few months were so pure, good, and special it's hard to let them go of fear of not having that again. The fear of meeting a new person and falling in love. The fear of meeting their friends and parents. The fear of letting someone new and different break down my wall of insecurities just like you did.
    Describe me in one word after that hard day. Vulnerable. It definitely showed when I took you back all those times. I believed in us so much I still had a little spark waiting to ignite and a gut feeling that there is hope for us and you will come back. I took you back every time you came running back from another girl, thinking this time is going to be better or different. I got numb to the idea of you talking and "dating" another girl around this town even if she was a friend. Getting jealous came natural as you moved on and I would sometimes ponder to myself and realize I could have been that constant in your life. I mean we had been through so much already. Then I realized I can find someone better, someone who would treat me with more respect, someone who will never lie to me, someone who I could trust and someone who would love me unconditionally for me. After that, it was the first night I said no.
    I said no to taking you back and that's when my flame lit and burned bright again. That rush of standing up for yourself is something you didn't take away from me. You were astonished while I felt on top of the world. Of course you said your I love and miss. You didn't love me, you loved having someone around who was there for you. You didn't miss me, you missed the memories.  The more I thought about it all the more confidence I gained. That was the day I took a step back and realized you were fire and I was gasoline, even when you said I'm going to keep trying to get you back, I knew you were no good for me.
     So thank you. Thank you for showing up at my door and coming into my life. Thank you for showing me I can be loved and what an amazing feeling it is. Thank you for being my first for everything, I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you for putting up with my obnoxious family. Thank you for putting up with me and my wild ways while we were together. Thank you for giving me hope, confidence, and curiosity to see what comes next in another relationship. Cutting the strings that keep us still attached has been a challenge. I still have a few strings attached. I pray to God if you are meant to be in my life we will find our way back to each other.  But like most things, it's easier said than done. Trying to move on is hard when I compare everyone to you knowing they aren't all going to be like the sweetest guy I was in love with. I can't hate you for the life of me because I still love you. I will always love you. I will forever cherish those memories and hold on to them for as long as I live. I will tell my kids about you, even if they are ours,  and share what a bumpy, fun ride it was between us and hope they can learn from my mistakes but still love like crazy.
   So to the boy who broke my heart, you didn't break it. You made me realize my self-worth is greater than I imagined, I am loved, and you left a memory that will last forever. I wish you the best with every girl that comes after me, I wish you the best for your bright future, and I wish you the best in life and that it's all you want it to be.