All My Heart

Wasn't it funny to think that opposites did attract, even when we had a lot of common things? And even funnier when we realized that nothing could be perfect, not even when we were together.

Time would pass, but the moments would be treasured. As we walked down the road, everything would go uninterrupted. One person could endure one hundred sleepless nights, but if there were two of us, would it be fifty sleepless nights or two hundred sleepless nights?

It may seemed like a piece of cake and simple; I'm telling you, it was. Trying so hard to get out of piles of stones while being underground. As dark possessed my vision, he was the only one that I saw. And never in my life, had I ever compelled myself not to blink. Because hell, I did not want to waste even a second of my time to look away from his beautiful figure.

"I only want you to stay, right here by my side. I am not the best man in the world, probably the latest guy every girl wants to date; I will try to be the best for you."

"Let me fall in love with your imperfections so I can love you even more.
And more, and more."

Pieces of him would constantly appear on my mind, as though an irremediable disease that would not leave you until you could no longer open your eyes. What a joke, it was.

Putting on my coat, I threatened myself with a good time. Surely, walking amidst this cruel world full of subtle chaos would not appear as arduous as it seemed.

I puffed out the smoke from this chilly breeze that had been poking through my skin as I stepped out of my apartment building. Rubbing both my hands together after blowing on them, I folded my arms before I could turn into one of those ice sculptures that needed to be carved.

Flakes of snow were falling from the sky, with each and every drop of them forming mounds of white sheets covering the ground.

Truth be told, today was not the best day to walk out of my snug confinement. Being woken up by the blaring alarm was not exactly pleasant. But when I remembered today's date, I didn't even hesitate to get up from my warm bed.

Albeit I must say, it took me quite awhile to find thick layer of clothes to cover my body with. I walked down the usual road while thinking back to those moments - the moments with him. Strange how one person could put a smile on your face, when all you did was think about them as time walked by.

"I want to annoy you for the rest of my life."

"No! I refuse to leave your side."

Letting out a chuckle, his childishness kept on reminding me of the time when we used to spend the whole day lounging about while being covered by the warmth of one single blanket. A cup of steamed coffee, a glass of chocolate milk, and one serving of chocolate pudding.

Well did I remember the way his face lit up when he caught sight of his favourite food. It took me everything I got to suppress the smile that was forcing its way to my face. Now I wouldn't want to be hauled by a bunch of people who thought that I had gone crazy.

Only by the thought of him could in fact, make me go all insane. Every rational bit of myself would easily fly away when he appeared in the picture. It was not even possible to be both crazy and sane at the same time.

Well, he was an exception - my every exception.

I couldn't wait to tell him about yesterday's event.

I ambled along the road that I remembered by heart, to the place where he usually awaited. I admitted, it wasn't that close. It took me almost half an hour to reach there by foot. I refused to ride any kind of transportations, despite the ice-cold wind that never failed to jab every hook of my skin.

Not because the extra money that I had to spend if I were to ride transportations - well, maybe a part of it - but it's because of the process which I had to go through while the thoughts were hovering around my mind.

I made my way through the open space, closing the distance between him and myself. When I had stood right in front of him, it felt as if time was stopped, although I knew for sure that time could not be stopped, nor could it be reversed.

"Hey, it's pretty freezing lately, yeah? I'm sorry I hadn't been able to see you these past days, everything was madly hectic, I could barely breathe." I chuckled as the wind clearly wasn't aware of the torture I must go through to stand here.

"You know, there was this guy that looked a lot like you yesterday. He is a big fan of chocolate, I know, right? Talk about disgusting." I let out a small laugh before continuing, "We chatted all day yesterday; I couldn't help but think about you."

"He is actually quite interesting, the way he throws his head back as he laughs looks amusing to me. And you know, he despises coffee - can you believe that? No one and I mean no one, hates coffee."

The wind blew gently, causing my hair to be swept to the direction of the breeze that brought upon people's warmth.

Accompanied only by the sound of silent wind, along with the horn that sounded from the distance.

"I miss you, you know? I spend most of my time thinking about you, remembering your moments - our moments together."

Looking down at my shoes, I fought back the tears that insisted themselves to roll down my cheeks, biting the insides of them as I did so. I promised him not to cry - I truly did.

I faced forward, reading in heart the epitaph on one of the stones around the cemetery.

Here lies
Daniel Sawyer
1993-2014
A greatly missed son, and friends to many.

"If I lose your heart, that means I am dead and no longer in this realm."

You didn't lose mine, so why did you leave?

"It has been exactly two years since you left my side - everyone's side. It was hard, you idiot. I could not even carry on with my usual activities, even eating felt rather nauseating at that time. You were my everything - you still are, yet you selfishly left me alone, leaving only memories and sweet moments."

"You are not allowed to do the wait, that's like my privilege."

I smiled at the memory when he was late for our date. It was raining back then, and we were meeting up in an open space. He was darting real fast towards me after I had been waiting for almost an hour, drenched in rainfall.

He apologized to me countless times, offering his already soaked jacket before leading me to one of the shops there. We ended up buying a couple of band t-shirts and jeans for each one of us.

Since then, we hooked on Sleeping With Sirens, the name of the band that was written on our shirts. We listened to their songs every single day and second of our time together.

"Thank you for loving me, staying by my side, playing along with all my silliness. But mostly, thank you for being born."

I gave out a smile; the smile that he said was his most favourite thing to see, the smile that would appear whenever he was with me, the smile that he loved best.

"Dan, I love you. I always will."

Placing my hand on the headstone, I smiled at it for the last time that day before carrying on with the solitary life I had been living for two years without him by my side.

He may not be able to be here as I walked down the protracted and spacious road, but he would always be the reason why I closed my eyes at night.