the little things.

i'll teach you how to love. (ii)

I don't understand the full affect of what had transpired until I am home.

It does not happen suddenly ; it is a gradual change that my numb mind hadn't been able to process until I was alone in my apartment with my thoughts. I like to think that my mind sometimes saved me from itself, that some distant thought pulls at my nerves and mutes the voices and blinds me of memory until I am alone and safe and then I break.

I want to call it a panic attack, but it is not. I am not panicking, and my anxiety has not peaked, yet my mind already has clouded and my body trembles and quakes with the force of my sadness and my breath is laboured and shallow and I decide that this is not my anxiety attacking but my emotion.

The first sob is almost painful.

I thankfully don't fall to my knees until I am within my bedroom, and when I shudder and a painful sound wrenches free of my mouth I feel my chest tighten with sorrow. One is followed by two, then three, then more and soon I am curled on the floor, my knees digging into the tear-stained carpet and my arms wrapped tight around my stomach.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I chant "I hate him", the impossible hope that if I say it enough it will become the truth; as if by loving somebody I cannot have will cure me of this painful throb in my heart, the only organ I've ever trusted and the most traitorous part of my body, of myself. Hearts are wild creatures, thus our ribs are their cages of bone, and I made the irrational mistake of lending Scott the key to unlock it and now suffer the consequence alone.

I don't truly know when I stopped crying, if I did, although I suspect instead that I passed out from tears that continued whilst I slept.

I do know, however, that when the sky got dark and the moon's ballet danced through my curtains, I felt my heart stutter crookedly within its now-open confines and shatter into pieces within my chest, and decided that this must be heartbreak.

***

Is it wrong of me to update just to hit 1k reads?

Hello! This is like, the shortest thing I've published thus far, and it doesn't really count as a chapter? I thought of this concept during Alebgra one day, and wrote it down then and there, and I've had it for like, a week, but it's really short and is more like filler than anything so? I'll probably update later today though because I've already starting writing the next shot to this short story (and quite possibly the last, let's see what happens) and I'm a GOOD PERSON and don't like you all suffering for too long.

Fun game to play while waiting for your PTX concert to arrive: try to guess what outfits they'll wear.

Question: should I continue updating sporadically, or should I have a set update schedule?

Love you, thank you, bye <3

(PS: I take requests hit me up boys and girls)