trying to behave (but you know we never learned how)

Chapter five

March 2012

Yoongi accepts that he's sunk into a depression or something exactly a week and two days after the Riley mishap.

His chest hurts constantly, his eyes are rarely ever dry anymore and he can't stand to look at Jimin without wanting to scream and cry. And apologise, apologise, apologise until his throat is raw.

But he can't do that; can't burden Jimin like that, keeps it in and pretends that his heart isn't wasting away by the second.

Jimin's concerned about him, the older boy can tell, and it just adds on the guilt that he never knew he had to feel. He's not trying to worry anyone. It's not anyone's fault that he's a shitty stain to humanity.

So he avoids him instead. He avoids Jimin as much as he can outside of school where he kind of can't, keeps up what he hopes is a convincing façade and tries to control how his heart speeds up every time the younger boy so much as smiles at him. Hates himself when he can't.

Yoongi knows he's self-destructing, and he does absolutely nothing to stop it.

'You deserve this,' he rasps at his reflection, fringe matted to his forehead with sweat. His hands are shaking and the nightmare he's just had is replaying in his head over and over until his temples feel like they're burning.

Yoongi wants to scream, scream until he can't anymore but it's 4 am and the house is still and dark, a complete opposite to the rush of emotions that are thundering inside him.

'You fucking-,' he chokes out a sob, grabbing onto the sink in front him tight enough for his knuckles to go white. 'You deserve this,'

It should scare him that he seriously believes himself, but it somehow doesn't.

His brain's screaming everything Riley said to him and more all at once and he covers his ears and shoves his sleeve in his mouth, screaming hoarsely into it.

You're taking advantage of his love and kindness, he'll hate you, he'll fucking hate you, why wasn't being his friend enough, why did you have to prey on a fucking child like that, why are you a potential fucking threat to Jimin's happiness, why are you no better than Riley, why, why, why.

Yoongi sobs harder when he realises that the voice in his head isn't Riley's.

It's his own.

'Yah,' Jimin mutters, kicking Yoongi's leg under the table with all the grace of a baby penguin. 'What's wrong with you lately?'

The older boy looks up at him slowly from where's been staring at his untouched lunch, faded silver hair hanging like a curtain over his eyes. A pang of pain goes through his heart and he coughs through it.

'M'fine,'

Jimin squints and kicks him again, widening his eyes in surprise when Yoongi doesn't snark back. 'Yah, I'm serious. What's wrong with you?'

I can't love you. I'm sorry I love you.

'Nothing,' Yoongi shakes his head, swallowing through the painful lump in his throat. 'Just a bad night,'

'Couldn't sleep?'

'Yeah,' the older boy shrugs, picking lazily at his school lunch pasta. It's not a total lie.

'Are you sick?' Jimin asks curiously, kicking him again when Yoongi doesn't look up. 'Seriously, it's not just today, you've been off since last week, what's happening? Are you coming down with something?'