porcelain doll

where are you?

Who is this monster staring coldly at me with a yellow eye?

Who is this monster they call Emperor?

Why does he go by your name, Aka-chin? I know he's not you.

Aka-chin, where are you?

One of those days after class, we didn't have training for some reason, so we decided to walk around the city. You bought me an ice cream and we walked through commercial district. We talked about the team, the next games, even about which school we were aiming to enter soon. We passed in front of an antique store, in which you became extremely interested in. You remember, right? They had a doll with red hair like yours, white clothes like yours. She was so cute and looked so strong and clean and perfect. She reminded me of you, you know? You both looked a lot like each other. The pale skin, an unusual beauty, the apparent strength and perfection, as I said before. I remember you were delighted by her appearance, in some philosophical way. Something about how easily things can break.

I just understood it much later than I should have.

On that tiring day when I challenged you, you disappeared. At the very moment you blinked and that monster took your place, I remembered the doll. And after I fell on the ground, looking at you, I noticed that I had broken my porcelain doll. The Akashi I knew, gentle, calm, peaceful, was no longer there.

Only a monster with freezing eyes was standing before me. An emperor who always talks in a slightly monotone voice, calls me by my first name, always acting so cold and calculating under a mask. An unknown being that scares me. Someone they believe to be you, but I know it's not.

I swear I tried to rescue you. I tried to talk you through him, tried to find you amidst the emptiness that I felt coming from him, but it was useless.

And it's my entire fault.

I'm sorry, Aka-chin. I'm sorry, please. Come back to me, come back to all of us. I don't want this monster here. I miss you. I swear I'll be different, I will not strain your patience with pointless conversations, I'll try to not eat during training, actually, I'll never try skip training, and I will always follow you. I'll give you my loyalty, as I always have done. How many tears I'll have to suppress until you can defeat this so-called Emperor and come back to my side? I want you back. Please. Please. I'm sorry.

If only I had been more careful, if I had not played around with you without a care, if I had taken better care of you, you would not have broken in my hands. You broke into a million pieces and now all that's left is a red eye, and although it used to be bright, calming and comfortable, now it's only a cold and lifeless ball, which it might as well be discarded in favor of another victory of the Emperor.

... Aka-chin, can you hear me right now...?

... I wonder if there is a way to glue back the pieces of your porcelain...