The date is February 8th 2017.
I never thought this day would actually come. I knew that it would have to come to an end one day, but not this soon. I always thought that it would be years and years from now, but it just stopped. We all know why, but no one likes to speak of such a tender subject.
I arose from my chair in my room for what felt like the 90th time today as I impatiently waited for the time to come. I looked in the full length mirror. My black suit and tie neatly placed on my body. Now that it's all gone, I feel so empty inside.
The day our lives changed ultimately was February 1st of this year. Harry was coming home from the grocery store with goodies for us to munch on for his birthday. I told him I would go for him, since it's his birthday, but he insisted on me staying home. He was on the phone with me, giggling away about some of the stupid names of brands that he walked by, I assume people were giving him weird looks. Before leaving the store and hanging up, he told me he loved me and I reciprocated. "I'll see you in 20 minutes." He made a kiss noise and disconnected the call. I sat on the couch waiting his arrival. Just his voice makes me feel safe. It always has. His touch, his voice, everything. I slowly dosed off for what felt like 2 minutes until I heard the knock on the door. I sprang up, convinced it was my lover with our treats. I swung open the door with a wide smile. But I was surprisingly met by 2 men in navy blue pants and badges in front of their faces. I furrowed my eye brows at them. "May I help you?" I asked as they put away their badges, revealing their faces. The one looks at me, "are you the spouse of Harry Styles?". "Yes" I blankly reply. "He has gotten himself into an accident. The roads are dangerously slippery from the freezing rain and snow and he lost control of the vehicle." The other one says. "So where is he?" I demanded, frightened. "His Range Rover was found in the ditch, along with his body in the snow bank 5 feet away. The impact caused him to fly through the windshield. We are so sorry to in form you, but your husband didn't make it." I felt the hot tears spill down my cheeks and my throat close up. "Thank you." I say barely a whisper, and shut the door slowly. I slid down the back of the door, sitting on the floor not wanting to move.
I stayed in the house for days, that is until the lads came in and found me huddled in a corner once they had heard. I haven't spoken since that night. Barely eaten, only showered a handful of times.
But today is the day. It's the day we put him to rest. I'm shaved and showered, just how he likes. Niall is already here to pick me up to take me to the church in Holmes Chapel. We drove in silence, only the sound of the tires were heard. We drove slowly, for fear that there would be another accident.
We enter the church, white Calla-Lilly's everywhere. The room was completely packed, and my eyes darted around scanning for the boys, for fear they didn't come. Then I felt Niall's hand on my shoulder, squeezing it tightly as Liam, Zayn, Des, Simon, Paul, and Tom came in and talked to Niall and I. They told me, "I'm so very sorry for your loss." over and over again. But it's everyone's loss. Then they left the room, having to do something as the funeral was about to start. Niall and I found our seats up at the front, and everyone rose as the 6 boys came into the room. Violins began playing immediately as the boys entered to room because try we're carrying my husbands casket. My heart clenched, knowing Niall and I should be up there carrying him as well, but I could barely walk myself. My eyes stung at the thought of not being able to serve my own husband at his service. I could see all of them stifling back their tears as they proceeded to walk down the narrow aisle. Once they had set his casket on the pedestal at the front, it was my time to go up.
So here I stand, beside his open casket, his tan skin such a pale shade. Our matching rings still on.
"Louis Tomlinson, the spouse to Harry Styles. His world, his light, his angel. But now, Harry is Louis angel. His guardian angel. He will watch over him and their loved ones as they proceed with their life happily, just as Harry would have wanted. And now a word from Louis."
"This is a poem that Harry had picked out when we had to plan out funerals and wills in case of any accident. Here it is;
'Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away to the next room. I am I and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, we still are. Call me by my old familiar name. Speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference into your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh," I stopped, taking a deep breath in, fighting the tears and choking out the words through my clenching throat, "as we laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effect. Without the trace of a shadow on it. Life means all that I ever met. It is the same that it ever was. There is absolute unbroken continuity. What is death but a negligible accident?" Is was completely true. It's like when Harry had picked this, he knew it would describe every detail of our lives. "Why should I be out of mind? Because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you for an interval. Somewhere very near just around the corner. All is well. Nothing is past; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before. How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again." I let it go, all of my tears down my face as numerous people joined. I sobbed in front of everyone for a few seconds until Niall came up and and took me back to our seats. That was that. That was the end of everything. My husbands life, the band, my happiness, my world. But he will help me through this. For he is still here in many ways.
