Rants

Rant #1

12/20/13

I have a friend who will be know as Jill in this.

Jill is my best friend or at least, she was. I feel that slipping as every day passes.

You see, she recently attained a boyfriend. During lunches, I feel like a third wheel and just leave the two because I don't want to feel awkward. I know I don't have to deal with that. Today was Friday before winter break. I have to go to my locker at lunch and am looking forward to hanging out with Jill because I had a lot to talk about. We had a really big project for one of our classes and I wantedt o go over the procedure for our presentation as well.

So I go to my locker, and then I go with my other friend to her locker. She shares some green tea mochi with me, and it was my first time trying the food. It was really good, and I really liked it. I'm going to have to go get some now, haha. It's not as amazing as people make it to be, but it's a nice experience. So, while I am walking towards Jill and her boyfriend, apparenlty it's there anniversary. She ditches her other friend as well and goes with her boyfriend to another classroom.

I know I should be happy for her, and I am, but I have this feeling about them which I'll describe in a few after I talk about what happened.

Me and her friend, who will be known as Angy, were basically roaming around the school hallways for the remainder of the lunch period. It's all okay until the class where Jill and I share. I'm freaking out about the presentation because it's extremely important to me. You see, my parents get angry for a meager A. I need to have +As if I want to avoid a headache, so I basically have straight +As. Off topic. Sorry. Well she asks me 'if it's noticeable' and I'm staring at her jaw wondering if they are pimples or something. You see, I'm a little dense when it comes to what people do in relationships. I realize it's a fucking hickey. I mean, she's old enough, but I am so protective of her.

It just really bugged me. Just no. Nope. Nope. Nope. Fuck life and all of it's problems. Nope.

I mean she's the only person I've actually opened up a lot to. Well she's the person I've opened up most to. I haven't completely because I've lways had this mindset that nothing lasts forever, so I tried not to get too close, but I ended up anyways. I feel like he's going to replace me and we'll just stop talking or acknowledging each other's presence. It's easy for me to exclude people from my life,  It's happened once for example last year. Another person I felt I could trust completely stabbed me in the back. I'm fine with talking to people, but now I just don't bother trying to get close...

I'm sorry, I'm getting a little sad now. It hurts so much. She's a bit more rude to me, and it bothers me. I'm okay with people being rude, but coming from her, it just hurts me so much.

I'm okay with her boyfriend, I mean he does that handshake with me in the hallway that all the foot ball players give each other. It made me feel like one of the bros, haha, he's a cool guy.

When they are together with me, they kind od hug or soemthing, but they don't kiss which I appreciate. I've told her that that would kinda bother me, and she respected that. When I see them, though, it annoys me. I feel like she's going to stop hanging out with me period. I've noticed we don't hang out much at school anymore, even though we talk an hour everyday after school, but even then, she's talking to him. I know I am probably overreacting, but it really does hurt.

Imagine that you only actually can talk to one person without masking yourself, and then they abruptly start treating you like they don't know you. They act like you're just another person on the sideline. She doesn't treat me like I'm not there, but how she acts towards me is completely opposite of how she used to treat me.

I'm okay with her being in relationships, I mean I'm not going to stop that. She deserves to be happy, but I don't want to be replaced. I know that high school is kind of the point where people find themselves and all of that, so I am going to accept change. Change is inevitable, but hey, I'm still human. It sucks. Eh... I don't know.