What Is And What Should Never Have Been

Say Goodbye

Here I stand in my childhood home packing up the rest of my things, walls now bear. So many posters and drawings hung on the wall, I had almost forgotten the color of them - hot pink. I had begged my mother to paint my room this color, then changed my mind less than a year later. Of course by then it was too late, just like it is now. I had just gotten back from my mother's funeral. I was the only one who attended.

Me and my mother didn't have anyone else, only each other. I didn't have any friends, even from school. I managed to stay in the back of the class and keep to myself all the way through high school until the week before graduation. That's when she died.

Everyone suddenly knew who I was. People I didn't know walked up to me in the hallways to express how sorry they were. They didn't know me. To them I was the poor little orphan girl. I didn't need their sympathy. I didn't need anyone, except for my mother, who I had just said goodbye to.
I grew up with no other friend but my mother and I didn't figure that was ever going to change, but inevitably it did. Because, here I stand alone in my bedroom.

I just didn't expect it to happen before I even graduated high school, before my life even began. I was okay with not having friends my own age or not living anywhere better than a ratty 2 bedroom apartment, or not even owning a car. All that mattered was that my mother and I had each other. When my mother was cremated I had some of her ashes put into a pendant to wear around my neck. This way I could always have her with me, so I never really had to say goodbye.

To think, my mother will never see me walk across the graduation stage like I knew she always dreamed of. She didn't graduate high school herself, dropping out her senior year when she got pregnant with me. Dropping out of high school ended up her being stuck in a dead-end job as a waitress at a restaurant down the street from our house and a boss who always took advantage of her.

I walked there almost everyday after school since my mom worked late nights. That's where I would eat dinner most nights since we couldn't afford a lot groceries and my mom got a pretty good discount on all the meals. There's a table in the corner that I always sat at. I usually got there at 3:20 if the streets weren't busy. Since neither my mom or myself had a phone she would know if I was going to have my dinner there if I was present at the table. The nights I didn't eat there I would walk home and grab a pop tart from the pantry, or I would start my homework right away. I also had a job to help out with the bills.

I started work at 4 Monday through Friday, then worked all day Saturday. Sunday was the only day I had off, because the café wasn't open on Sundays. My mom worked some Sundays when things got tight. It only takes a few minutes to walk to so I usually get a good but of my homework done before I had to leave. I also worked in the food business but the work wasn't as extensive. I worked as a barista at a cafe that sells coffee and pastries, so I stay behind the counter. I have been working there since I was 15, so I have gotten pretty good at it.

Even though I had an amazing boss and pretty good hourly pay, I hated working there. There was always asshole guys who asked me out and said inappropriate things that made my face turn red. They're all pigs, I don't think I've ever talked to a guy in this town who wasn't an asshole, not that I've talked to many of them. And I don't plan to.

I've always wanted out of this godforsaken, flea ridden town, to move far, far away. Anywhere but here. There's nothing stopping me now. I couldn't make last month's payment despite my working full time at the café and putting in a lot of extra hours now that graduation has past. Since I can't afford the rent I am being forced out of my childhood home. I was sent an eviction notice 3 days ago, giving me one month to move out. I wasn't waiting that long, I took this as a big flashing neon sign. I took this as a get out of jail free card. This is my one chance to leave, and if I didn't take it now I feared I never would. If I didn't get out of town now I would find a new apartment, one with lower rent and eventually fall into a daily routine and live in repetition with no reason to carry on with my life.