coward → taeny

Thirty One

Day XXXI

I turned for the umpteenth time on my bed, but it was useless I just couldn't sleep at all.

I reached for my phone, immediately dialing her number.

"Taeng?"

I froze, realizing what I had just done as all of the memories with you flooded my mind.

"What's wrong?"

My hand trembled, as I felt the tears flowing down my cheeks, I was crying.

I heard her let out a soft sigh, before I heard something shut, probably her laptop. "Hey, it's okay."

"S-Sica, I'm sorry I--"

"I know Taeng, I know."

I gripped on the sheets as I heard her humming to a calm melody. She continued doing it until I calmed down and stopped crying, I even thought she already hung up because of the long silence but she didn't, she was still there.

"Whatever happens, I'll be here for you, Taeyeon." My eyebrows furrowed at her tone, it changed to a serious one but still calm. "I know things have changed a lot and I know you're having a hard time adjusting to it but it's okay, it will be okay. I'll be here for you just like how you were there for me when... the whole world turned against me." She paused, referring to the time she was forced to leave the group.

"I love you Kim Taeyeon and I'll always be here to protect you, cherish you and take care of you. So please, you're only hurting yourself, you idiot." I heard her sniff from the other line, and it was like someone was squeezing my heart very tightly.

"I know you're scared that I might suddenly disappear but I won't, I won't ever leave your side. And maybe you're confused yourself of what you're feeling towards me, you think you're in love with me but it's not love at all, Taeyeon-ah." Her sobs got louder but I couldn't say anything, it was like the words I needed to say were stuck on my throat.

"Maybe you do love me but it's not romantically, you only love me as a friend, a member, a sister,

And maybe--just maybe---you're only in love with the idea of what we could have been in the first place."

"Jessica no--no, it's not like that I do love you I just--"

"You have fallen in love with Tiffany too, didn't you? The only difference is you fell harder, for her."

That shut me up, and I know the laugh that came from her wasn't fueled with joy, it was fueled with pain.

"Tiffany is your happiness, Taeyeon-ah. You said it yourself, remember? 'A world without Tiffany, it's like I have lost my happiness."

I let out the deep breath I didn't even know I was holding in, remembering the time in New York where I was interviewed like the others. It was all fun and jokes at first but then they suddenly asked me that question.

They asked me what it would be like if Tiffany wasn't in Girls' Generation, if Tiffany wasn't my friend, if Tiffany wasn't there, if Tiffany didn't even exist. It made my heart crumble, and I ended up crying in front of everyone, in front of the camera. I confessed and have said those exact same words.

"Go for it, Taeyeon-ah. You've been pining her for a long time now, you should get moving."

I sat down from my bed, wiping the tears that had fell.

"It's okay to be in love, its okay to fall in love, even if it's your best friend."

I quickly got up and went outside my room with my hand gripping tightly on my phone that was still on-call.

"You never tried to actually have feelings for her, it just happened. That's what love is anyway, it happens naturally. You don't plan it or make yourself do it."

I was panting the moment I reached the living room, and then I saw you there sitting on the couch curled up like a ball in your favorite pink pajamas.

"Love is precious, Taeyeon-ah. That's what I've learned from you. You need to learn it as well, but I guess not from me."

My phone beeped, indicating the call was ended and it made me smile. Thank you, Sica. Thank you.

"Was that Jessi?"

I made my way to the couch, sitting at the space beside you. I gently held both of your hands, surprising you judging by the way your eyes squinted and how your mouth turned into an 'o'.

"Ppany-ah," Your lips curved into a smile as how I pronounced your name but you didn't cut me off.

"I know it's probably too late now, but I wanted to ask you something."

You raised an eyebrow, thinking that what I was referring to was the time of the day and not to your confession before.

"Okay Taetae, ask away."

I smiled wide enough for my chin dimple to show up as I softly intertwined my fingers with yours, making sure you would hear every syllable.

"What should I do? I really like you too."

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