goner

asking

you can't see them
i don't suppose

i can
i see those thin
thin white lines
still on my skin
faded like why i made them
and then suddenly
so sharp
so in focus

and i don't look down and see
thin lines usually
but sometimes
i look and i
notice them

i know i only see them because i made them

and i remember him
grabbing my wrist
and saying "you don't cut.
you didn't have to lie"

i didn't correct him then
because i knew he didn't care enough
to check anywhere else

and i own 2 long sleeved shirts
so no
i don't cut
if you look only at my wrist

but if anyone checked anywhere
they'd have faded

and then i wonder
what if someone noticed
me scratching my arms
that mechanical pencil
the pin on my badge
the razor under the cabinet
the pencil sharpener in my pocket
that screwdriver i'm know for having

i wonder
if every time i reached out
someone caught my hand
and said:
"i've got you. you'll be okay."
people have tried

i wonder
if i ask for a bandaid
in the middle of the night
even if i have some in my bathroom
i wonder
does anyone ever think
about why
i need that bandaid?

i wonder
if i don't immediately stop
scratching my arm nervously
when you come over
would you notice?
ask me to roll up my sleeves?
or would it go unnoticed?

i wonder
if i hide my pencil sharpener
from you
will you see that i keep it pristine?
because infections
are hard to manage on your own
and

i did this
i let my sleeves roll up
i wore shorter sleeved shirts
i asked for bandages
i asked for help
and nobody answered

this time
i thought it'd be different
i thought someone'd notice
nobody did
maybe i should stop asking
if no one's giving