Wisdom from the Wayfaring Chiweenie

The night was cold and lonely. The morning; dim and tired. My white t-shirt turned cream with filth and my shoes were coated in dried mud. Above me through the hundreds of trees, I could see the sky cloaked in dark heavy clouds, seeming to float tiredly across the sky like a rag sinking in water; it looked like it might rain.

I arrived in the middle of a place I call Somewhere-or'other during an expedition. I'm a squirrel rights activist you see. I went to the wilderness to study squirrels and the mistreatment they face every day (losing seeds they buried, stolen I suspect. Trees growing in their place to add insult to injury). From my observations, it seemed the squirrels were on the brink of civil war. Distraught by this, I went deep in the wilderness to find out more. I was so absorbed in my studies that I soon became lost, and all the food in my drawstring backpack was gone and there I was, stranded, and I hadn't eaten in four hours, an eternity. I suspected my death would come very soon.

I woke up under a tree where I was taking shelter for the night. My drawstring backpack set across my stomach as a blanket. A mild cold breeze blew against me, it blew all night and it was enough to make me shiver. I blinked the tired from my eyes and in front of me was a brown creature. It sat calmly, staring at me. I thought for a moment it was a squirrel, but no, it was something else. A chihuahua? No, wait, it was too large and long for that, a dachshund?

The dog yawned. As my eyes adjusted to the light, I could see a golden crown perched upon its head and a magnificently long cape stretching far behind it. I got on my hands and knees and cautiously stalked closer, just to make sure it wasn't a squirrel.

"Where am I peasant?" It said. I jumped a little, but then again, it wasn't the first time I met a talking animal.

"Somewhere-or'other," I said, "What are you?"

The dog snorted. "Only a peasant like you could've made up that name, and you failed to understand the question. Where am I in the universe peasant? The universe! Creatures like me only care about the big picture. Since you are the first peasant I meet and..." the dog glanced around, "the only peasant around here. It seems you are now my servant."

I was only happy to have some company finally, being stranded in the wilderness was lonelier than I imagined. "What are you again?"

"They call me many things: Goddess, Guru, Dolores. I am great, and I only appear in the universe's purest form, the holy combination of the chihuahua and the dachshund: the chiweenie. I purposely left my home in Asgard to come here, to spread my wisdom and my name. All will know of Dolores one day." The chiweenie shook its fur as it would after a bath and delicately paced through the pine needles and branches that carpeted the ground. "Underling!" she cried. "Carry your sovereign."

I picked up the little dog and began walking. I was unsure of where Dolores wanted to go, so I simply went in one direction and stuck with it. "So tell my about your home in Asgard," I said.

"Don't tell me what to do."

"Ok"

"Let me tell you about Asgard, let me begin to spread my wisdom," she sighed. "You know of the classic gods in Asgard: Odin, Loki, Thor, etc. Tell me fool, you have never heard of me, have you?"

I shook my head in a no.

"How about Kuno?"

Once again the same gesture.

"Listen closely now, Kuno is the opposite of me; filthy, ugly, stupid, evil. He is the unholy form of the miniature schnauzer, the bane of my existence."