Enantiodromia

Ⓣhe Ⓦeek Ⓐfter

"When the night has come,

And the land is dark,

And the moon is the only light we'll see,

No I won't be afraid,

Oh, I won't be afraid,

Just as long as you stand, stand by me."

The music stopped. Or maybe I stopped. I strain my eyes and look in front of me: the song was audible again. I opened and closed my fist. I was okay; I was alive. Adam wasn't, but I was.

I heard heels clicking from the hallway. They clicked in time to my heartbeat; fast. I wanted out of this place- I needed out of this place. My palms grew sweaty and the plain white room burned my eyes even more. The door swung open, but did not earn my attention. My eyes strayed from the floor back up to the radio.

"I won't cry, I won't cry,

No, I won't shed a tear,

Just as long as you stand, stand by me,"

Whoever entered decided to clear their throat. I peeled my eyes from the radio and at the person. She looked happy. Cocoa colored skin, bright red lips, blue dress. Happy; content.

"I am Dr. Marian." she started. My eyes flashed to her left hand. Manicured and adorned by rings; married. Married to someone who doesn't hurt her or kill her son. Married to someone who treats her right.

"Jodi, I understand this is hard for you. But I am here to help." she said. As if that would comfort me.

"Why?" I mumbled through my dry lips. She looked shocked when I spoke. She regained her composure and pursed her lips.

"Because that is my job. I help people who have gone through so much." she spoke calmly. Not raising her voice. I want her to. She should yell at me. Scream how it's my fault. Only mine. It's mine. I want her to blame me. Maybe so I won't be the only person who does. Maybe so I can have someone hate me almost as much as I hate myself.

"It's your job to help people who have crap lives because yours is so perfect, right?"
"No, Jodi. It's my job to help people realize their lives can be as good as mine." she spoke calmly.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to get away. Run away. My brain chastised me: after all, running got Adam killed.

"Let's start with simple things. What is your name?" she said, clicking her pen.

"Jodi Marie Aza."
"How old are you?"
"I'm 23."
"Where do you live?"

I thought for a moment. Do I want her help? I want to hate myself, but Rupert doesn't want me to. I should atleast do it for him, right? If only I could remember where we live.

I shrug my shoulders. She scribbles on a note pad before looking up and smiling at me. Perfect teeth. She finishes what she was writing and closes her notebook. This catches my attention. We just started. Doesn't she want to know how it's my fault.

"Jodi," she begins, "I know this is a bit unprofessional of me, but I know I am making you uncomfortable. How about we just talk for today? Nothing will be written down or analyzed. Just talk like old friends."

I repeat her words to myself. Old friends. Is that how friends act? They just talk. I don't want to talk. I want her to scream at me. It's my fault. She should yell at me. The door opens again, I whip my head to face the door. Rupert. He gives me a bright smile. I try my best to smile back, but I can't. I can't, I can't. I just cant!

"Hello, Robert." Dr. Marian says to him. He gives her a brief wave, but doesn't take his eyes from me.

"You can take a seat by Jodi if you'd like. Our session is canceled for today." she says. He nods and sits beside me on the couch. He pulls me so I'm right beside him and places a chaste kiss on my cheek.

"Are you okay?" he asks me. I nod my head.
"Don't lie to me." I lower my eyes and shake my head.

"Why don't you tell Robert what's wrong, Jodi?" Dr. Marian says and my eyes widen. I thought he knew. I talked to Dr. Marian but I can't talk to Rupert.

He thinks it's his fault. He doesn't tell me, but I heard him while he was on the phone. He said how it was all his fault. It isn't but he thinks it is. I wish he knew it wasn't.

"I killed Adam." I say, my mouth becoming dry. Rupert's eyes soften and I feel him pull me a little closer. I'm thankful for his little bit of embrace.

"No you didn't, Peaches." he says quietly.
"You didn't either, Rupert." I whisper, so Dr. Marian doesn't hear.

He sighs and pulls me into a hug. I close my eyes and wrap my arms around him. His hold on my tightens so I'm as close to him as possible. A few tears leave my eyes. Suddenly, with the weight of a ton of bricks, my chest constricts.

All of the feelings that I had lost over the past few years finally returned. I could feel. I wasn't numb. I felt Adam's death heavier than before. I felt Rupert's love more than before. It was a rush of every single emotion that I had missed while with Cayden. Happiness. Pride. Sadness. Guilt. Love.

Tears slid down my face and I embraced being able to actually feel. I welcomed it with open arms. Adam may not be here but I could feel him. No- he was here. I scooted so my mouth was beside Rupert's ear.

"I love you." I whispered, and for the first time ever: I meant it.
"I love you too, Peaches." he said into my hair.

My stomach filled with nerves and I loved it. I could feel. This is what it feels like to be in love. I'm in love. Rupert loosened his hold on me so I could look him in the eyes. My eyes met his and I took in every inch of his face. The one I fell in love with. I placed my hands on the back of his neck and pulled his face towards mine. Our lips met and I felt okay. Everything is going to be okay.

As long as Rupert is here, I'm going to be okay.