Not Friends But Definitely With Benefits

November 11, 201*

Renz,

Ngayon ko lang narealize na mahigit tatlong buwan na pala tayo magkakilala. Nakakatuwa. Parang kahapon lang talaga kita nakilala. Parang kahapon lang, ang init-init ng ulo mo sa mundo. Ang laki ng galit mo sa mundo kasi ano? Sinulutan ka ng kaibigan mo.

Ang galing, Renz. Parangkahapon lang, wala-wala lang sa’tin ‘to. Laro lang, kumbaga. Nung una kasi diba? Lagi ko lang nakikita yung pangalan mo sa News Feeds ko so I thought, Try ko kayang kausapin ‘to? Just for the heck of it. And yun nga, we started talking. Talking that eventually ended up sharing our bitter-sweet experiences. Ikaw, yung tungkol sa kaibigan mong sinulutan ka and ako sa ex-boyfriend kong pinagpalit ako.

During those times, I can’t see anything wrong with my offer na pagiging rebound mo. It’s a win-win situation anyway. Days and weeks passed, mukhang effective nga; nakakapagmove on ka na. Kaso, sa side mo lang ata effective yun. Not mine. Kasi with every passing day, mas nahuhulog ako sayo. Mas napapamahal ka sa’kin.

Renz, believe me. I tried to stop this fucking feelings of mine. Sinubukan kong mag-entertain ng ibang lalaki. I even tried to bring up my fucking dead feelings for my fucking ex-boyfriend… pero wala talaga eh. You invaded my heart. Leaving no room anyone else. Sinubukan kong iwasan ka. Pero your words disarm me. That moment when you told me na wag akong umiwas sayo, I snapped out of it. Hindi pala talaga kita kayang iwasan.

Stupid move, I thought. Simula noon, hindi ako umiwas sayo. I acted naturally around you. I knew it there and then that I’ve fallen for you. I didn’t love you for your looks or your popularity. I loved you as the person you are. Minahal kita hindi dahil sa gwapo ka, or can-afford ka. I’m not that kind of a person. Minahal kita kahit sinabing wag kitang mamahalin. Minahal kita kahit alam kong gago ka rin. Minahal kita kahit alam kong mas malalim yung sugat na maiiwan mo sakin. Mahal na mahal kita, Renz.

Pero… I know it’s very selfish of me. Mahal kita, oo, totoo yan. Maniwala ka sa’kin. Pero ayoko ng ganito. Yung ibang ako yung minahal mo.

Mahal kita. Mahal na mahal… Pero I have to let you go.