Hidden Secrets

             My eyes shot open, only to take in the engulfing darkness.    A sick feeling crept into my stomach, causing me to sit up. I cradled my stomach and glanced towards my door.            

A wave of nausea rocked my insides. I brought my hand to my mouth, as if I could control the sickness.    Someone in the tower is not well.                      

I climbed out of my bed and quietly padded toward the door. I wandered out into the hallway. The further I ventured out, the more pain I endured.              

The nausea led me between Robin and Beastboy’s room.              

I glanced towards both rooms. Robin rarely comes down with anything, while Beastboy’s carelessness usually brings a physical toll upon him.              

Going with my gut feeling, I entered Beastboy’s room without any sign of my presence.   The odor of teenage boy hit me as I entered. I glanced at the pigsty before me, typical Beastboy.  

 My eyes wandered to the bathroom. A dim light shined from under the door, confirming I had chosen the right room to enter.            

Making a hasty decision, I ventured further.   I raked my eyes over his bed. In some odd, unnatural way, his messiness brought me a sense of comfort. Maybe I find a sort of humor in such a thing, or perhaps predictability.  

I inched closer towards Beastboy’s bathroom door. The sound of him hurling made me cringe. My stomach lurched at the noise and I fell to the floor, only to land on what I could feel to be some of Beastboy’s clothes. I shivered at the possibility of sitting atop a pair of his boxers.  

The bathroom door creaked open and a whiff of alcohol touched my nose.   He had been drinking?   The reality of the situation hit me hard. I never thought I would ever find myself facing a possibly drunken Beastboy. This time the pain in my stomach was my own.   The reasoning behind such an intake of alcohol would be that of emotional pain. He was suffering on the inside and he had been trying to hide it.          

It had worked.  

In that moment I realized the various dark brown bottles that spotted the room. Some poked out from under his bed, some atop his dresser, and the rest lied upon the floor.  

Nausea crept up my throat as I backed myself up against his bedpost.  

The bathroom door pounded against the wall as Beastboy stumbled out of the bathroom. I stared at him as he fell to the floor; one hand catching himself before his body completely hit the wood beneath him. He tightly gripped a beer bottle in his other hand.  

“Dammit” He mumbled while swigging some of the liquid down.  

He shakily lifted himself up and ran sleeve along his mouth. His green eyes glinted past me.  

He wandered towards his bed, I thought for sure he would see me, but he didn’t. My black attire managed to keep me hidden in the shadows.  

I wrapped my arms around myself as Beastboy fell atop his bed. The beer sloshed around in the bottle right before he let it go, and it crashed onto the floor.  

Time seemed to slow as I watched a couple of glass shards fly towards me. My automatic reflex was to block them, but I feared startling Beastboy.                    

  Fortunately, the glass missed me. I scooted away from the small shards quietly.   Beastboy’s bed slung from my view and screeched across the room. He must have heard me, so much for not startling him.   My eyes darted towards the boy that had now taken on the form of an enraged gorilla. Yet, the surprise that glazed his eyes was unmistakable.  

With ease, Beastboy shifted back into himself, his eyes glazed from the alcohol.  

“Rae, wha-, why are you in here?” He slurred while stumbling to my side.  

My cheeks began to burn.   I stood up and brought myself away from him.  

He reached a hand out towards me, but I backed away.  

I have never been fond of the intoxicated; in their state, they can be unpredictable, dangerous. Although, I didn’t want to look at Beastboy in that perspective, he’s my teammate. And I guess, even a friend.  

“I-I’m sorry. I was just checking on you.” I have never been one to impose on privacy, but tonight, well, no words could explain why I barged into Beastboy's room, just feeling.  

I turned from him, suddenly aware of how stupid my decision had been. I try to avoid embarrassment, yet tonight I walked head first into it.  

“Rae, wait, you don’t gotta go…” He slurred, a silent plea lacing the tone of his voice.    

I wanted to turn around. A part of me longing to give in to his plea, but it’s not something I’d do. I feared letting anyone past the walls I have put up. I’ve always feared it and not to long ago, Terra had brought those fears to reality.  

She fought a heroic battle for us, but we had gone through so much hatred with her just before. Somehow, I managed to let her in. She learned of my insecurities and used them to weaken me. I thank her for that. She made me aware of how weak I am.  

What if another Titan betrayed us?            

 Although, I knew long before I joined the Titans what the cons are of being in a team, betrayal being one of those cons.  

I wrapped my hands around myself, the thought of Terra giving me chills. Real friends will really give their all. Terra did.  

Suddenly everything made sense, the alcohol, the sadness, and the hurt. I took it in like a fall breeze after a hot summer.              

He loved her. I knew, I had witnessed it. And I was jealous of what they had, happiness. Love has always been something girls exaggerate, as well as people in general. But what Terra and Beastboy had was real.              

But, all good things must come to an end.   So many emotions hit me at once.

  I turned my eyes towards Beastboy, he was now sitting on his bed, head in his hands.  

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, hoping my voice masked some sort of emotion.   He didn't respond. Maybe he hadn’t heard me, or maybe he didn’t think I sounded sincere.  

I slowly brought myself to the door. I stood there for a bit, perhaps I was ensuring myself he didn’t need my comfort, my pity.  

I reached for the button on the right side of the door, when a hand gripped my forearm from behind. I tensed; my mind had been so preoccupied that I hadn’t noticed Beastboy approach me.  

His hand lingered on my forearm for what seemed like minutes. The feel of his touch surprised me. I don’t know what I expected his skin to feel like, but it felt almost normal, although, none of us are normal here.  

A wave of heat washed over me.   With his other hand he slightly trailed his hand over waist.   I grew a bit nervous, yet I didn’t want to pull away from him. Something about his touch comforted me, calmed me.  

He pulled me to him in an awkward hug, his lips grazing the back of my shoulder.  

There were so many feelings in that moment, feelings I have never been so aware of.  

I pulled my forearm from his grasp and placed my hand along my waist, atop of his hand.  

“Good night, Beastboy. Get some sleep.” I whispered while pulling away from him.  

“Night, Rae.”     T

he slur in his voice had vanished, perhaps only for that moment. Perhaps he would remember the small sign of affection in the morning, or maybe it will remain our secret.