June 2nd - Excerpts
I am walking across the beach into the water. oh, its so cold.
my skin takes in the salt & seashells.
i get out of the water to stand on the dry sand and think
i have the keys in my hand
i can leave and create a new me and thats what I did
except I didn't drive
i put on my hoodie and walked
across the Corpus Christi Bridge and into the downtown area
i was in North Beach
It took me a couple hours but I made it
it is now 4:30 AM and I can see the sun over the horizon
I believe I see it
I see the heavens
I can take the next leap
to the hundreds of feet
down in to the deep waters where my body will float away somewhere
it is clear that I'll be another memory
another reason for people to change
everyone moves on from me
so quickly
i am another guy to another eye
every single time
why must the gods push me to believe that I cannot love?
I do not blame my ex lovers for i still love them all close
but i blame myself
i become too perfect
i do not know what it means
being raised on movies and novels
saying the ideal mate
is the one who treats the ones with the best
as i try to do
i've loved the moon and i've loved the sun
i danced with the devil
and i kissed the angel with the sky
never have i once been the one
the one the devil keeps at their side
the one the angel let into its wings
the one who gave the moon a reason to come every night
the reason the sun shines every morning
no
i am the one who bleeds when he sees his past love happy
but why do i bleed?
not out of pain or anger
but out of fear
that i will never have the enchantment of loving so much
so young
so elegant
i have 2 friends
eternally enhanced by the idea of each other
I have adapted to naming the couple
Queen and Love
both sincerely love each other
i love them both dearly
but i must admit
jealousy has struck me
but not for either of them
for what they have
for the strength and determination to love each other
I always want it
but for now I remain
alone
but my heart is burning
for the longest time
many have been throwing more and more fuel to burn
as the fire spreads
alone and burned
i rise from the ashes of the broken self
i once knew
for i am no longer broken
for i am eternally burning
for am i forever
the phoenix.
10:03 - Don't 2
Don't tell me you care
Don't tell me to put you first
Do not tell me everything you want for us
When in reality
When in reality, I'm jumping out the window and all you can say is
"Wow, he got pretty far"
I always wondered what was wrong
It was always me
I tried and I've tried
I tried everything
But what happens when the person who is willing to give everything, gives so much to the one who doesn't even give a shit?
It's thrown back in their face
As the sun sets on another day of you not caring and me feeling belittled
I've had it
With the lying
With the under appreciation
With the secrets
With the things being kept from me
Everything I've ever done was to make you smile
Every single thing
All these promises you've made are now gone
Because you didn't want to give a damn about me for once
Once again
The sun sets on a hot September day
And around this season
The butterflies start to migrate
And as they leave
You have to wonder
What they've seen
What they've experienced
What they've witnessed
But now they're gone
The beauty
The elegance
The love they bring by their own design
It's all gone
And now,
So am I.
9:24 - Every/Stranger
You tell me to stop trying being so strong
But it's impossible
I'm not trying
This is me
This is what's happened
After being lied to and
Under appreciated
And just straight bullshitted
Why is it so hard for you to believe?
You don't care and now
Neither do I
You seemed to care when I brought you things
When I called you beautiful
But you didn't seem to care when I sat there
Waiting for you to respond
Waiting for you to tell me it would be ok
And I sat there wanting you to be there to catch me like I was always there, ready to catch you
You stood there and laughed
Oh, you laughed and laughed
You saw my issues as funny
Everything I did, you saw and something that didn't matter
For you and I
We're different
I want to make someone my everything
I want someone to come to me with everything and tell me every goddamn thing that's happened to them
But alas
You refused to let this be me
Instead, you went to everyone else and complained
About me, about your life and about everything
But you only needed me, when you wanted someone to do something for you
So I am no longer
Your "babe"
I am no longer
Your "Hun"
I am no longer
The Sabian you met
I am no longer
Your "dude"
For I am,
The stranger, the stranger that was there for 2 years
That's all I am now
Because of everything
To you, I am a stranger.
