Nothing at All

It was a very fine day, the sky was a clear blue, stretching infinitely over the horizon. There was a gentle breeze that whispered softly in my ears and a joyous ray of sunshine danced in front of my dazzled eyes.

I sighed.The day portrays the exact opposite of what I feel. The grief, the sorrow, the pain, the emptiness…

I can barely hear my heart beating, I don’t even feel like i’m still living. It all began two days ago… when my heart was finally broken and when my life was still whole…

It all happened in a single day. No… less than that… one moment turned my whole world upside down…

The moon finally emerged from the dark horizon, casting its lucent beams upon the sparkling sea. We walked hand in hand, all was calm and silent… What a day it had been. From watching a (at least for me) cheesy romance movie to those exciting carnival rides and to the candle-light dinner at a gourmet restaurant… everything was perfect.

And now, it was as if the moon itself had given me one more reason to rejoice. Who says old clichés are so bad? They are very, very beautiful. I looked at her once more… a god-sent angel to this lowly mortal. She smiled at me then looked away. That’s the third time today, when we start getting real happy, she begins to stop herself. And this past few weeks, I’ve also begun to notice that she was starting to pull away from me. I don’t know why, but…

Then, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and with a voice full of emotion, she answered my unasked question-

“My mom wants me to go with her… back to abroad.”

I fell in silence as I slowly chewed out this tiny fact that will change the way we live for a long time… perhaps even forever. So this was why…

I knew that sooner or later that her mom was to go, I even went as to suspect that this was about to happen. But still…

I turned away and closed my eyes, remembering the times when she used to kid me with this kind of stuff. ‘Please… please tell me you’re just joking…’

I looked at her face, eerie in the moonlight yet angelic and beautiful just the same. I pulled her close to me in a tight embrace. And after a moment that seemed to stretch on for an eternity I let go. I looked at her and with my voice cracking I said

“You know I love you. I’ll miss you… badly. W-we could fight or… Is there really no other way?”

She gently shook her head and sobbed. I knew what she had meant. Her mom would want her to stay there for good. And even if I could somehow go with her… my family would…they would…

She stuttered for about but she finally made out a few words

“I love you too.. You know that. I should h-have t-told you sooner b-but I-I… ”

Her voice suddenly trailed off and she let go of me. I saw her face shining with tears. I was really crushed to see her like this. I didn’t even notice my face was already tear-streaked as well. Another look, another stab of pain… a moment ago we were so happy, oblivious to this tears I never knew would come, not today. I felt… I don’t even know what I feel. All was perfect and now.. This. Sorrow, grief, madness, emptiness and strangely the joy. Who am I kidding? I knew this was about to come. Did I really think that her mother wouldn’t bring her back there? At least its over… this moment has come to pass… wait no its not over and it will never be. I will never ever forget her. I will never ever feel this kind of love again. No, I might but… there will always be part of me that only she can fill in. A void…

I’ll find a way… I’ll try everything. But even as the a plan begin to form in my mind, the crushing wieght of problems and impossibilities began to tear it apart. Feelings of helplessness and rage collided, the last ray of my hope slowly subsided. To darkness. Leaving me alone with my pain.

I laughed.

I didn’t know why I did it but maybe its just the prospect of losing her was laughable or perhaps I thought by laughing I could ease the pain I felt inside. Louder and louder, almost like a mad scientist on the verge of accomplishing his evil plans. I was vaguely aware of the tears that flowed, hot wet tears, glistening like diamonds filled with moonbeams.

I laughed and cried at the same time. Crazy, huh?

Well she thought so too, at least for a while. She took a few steps back and asked me if I was losing it. At this laughed even harder and now she looked pretty scared. I stopped my self and said

“Oky. That was weird. But if this may be the last moment we’re going to be together like this, are you just going to stand there and cry?”

She smiled, just a bit. But we knew that that smile and that laugh was nothing but a mask. A mask that hides what really feel inside. And I said

“This might be the hardest thing I’m going to do in my entire life. But, I guess this is goodbye. But I promise, I will do everything I can… maybe perhaps, now is not the time, but when I finish college, I’ll find a way for us to be together again.”

Such empty words.

So here I am, lonely maybe but at least I didn’t kill myself…yet. Maybe I’ll see her, maybe I won’t, who knows?College still has a long way to go, but least I’ve got a goal to fulfill, not a hope but a goal. And that’s a start.

I sat down and watched as faces walk by some say hi, I reply with a smile. A smile just like the one she last gave me, a mask that hides what I truly feel inside. I kept thinking of what could have happened if I fought for her . And if it could have done anything good. But in the end I still did nothing. Nothing.

A few of my friends did walk by, savoring the euphoria of a victory in of their b-ball games.

They unfortunately noticed my sourly mood. And when I started telling them I was okay, they just gave me some “yeah-rights” and “Ookays”. Good thing I didn’t tell them about her. They didn’t even know we knew each other, much less in a relationship.

So I smiled. The perfect dazzling smile they always saw when I scored a three-pointer at b-ball. A smile that seems to make even the sun shine brighter, but deep inside I knew that smile meant nothing it tried to convey.

“Nothing. Its nothing. Nothing at all.”

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