Words I Owe To Him

What It Feels Like to Have Your Heart Broken

What does heartbreak feel like? The world reveals only the first part of heartbreak, rarely the second. Because it knows you'll come out stronger, and more strong people means less grief. Less sorrow. Why would your enemies want that?

Imagine the waves of the ocean crashing into you, soaking your feet a little more every time they come towards you. Day to day, the salty water creeping up on you at unexpected times and soaking those almost dried feet that never got the chance.

Until one day.

One day when the waves are high and the sky is clear. When the sun is bright and you decide not to fear... not to fear the chaos because it is beautiful. The waves swallow you whole and you let them wash over you. Engulfing your entire existence until you can't breathe anymore. You flail your arms but you don't call for help yet. Because you like it. You like how the water seeps into your broken pieces making them feel whole and you like how the cold touch feels. You like how something so fatal can immerse you in itself, how it makes you dizzier yet more alert. How it makes you forget small things as you go through everyday life but you can remember lengthy melodies filling your head just because they remind you of the waves. You like how you can't sleep at night and dream during the day and the way it makes you feel as if you're floating and drowning at the same time.

You like that, so you don't call for help.

Until one day.

You're not just unable to breathe, you're choking on the memories, being strangled by your thoughts. The waves don't just wash over you, they knock you backwards, making you lose everything you stood for. It's no longer a clear sky and a bright sun, it's a thunderstorm with lightening and gloomy nights. It rocks you out of your senses and you're no longer in control of whatever happens. One minute you're thrown back at the shore struggling to get back up with the water inside your veins and the next minute you're curled up on the bathroom floor grasping yourself so you don't lose yourself completely – because you've already lost your conscience. You're gasping for breath because of the air that's strangling you and the tears are just a part of your face now. The never-ending stream until your eyes are bloodshot and they hurt so much because everything hurts so much. You're still holding yourself, shaking so violently not being able to stop, clutching your hands tight...

Until one day.

One day when you look at his picture and all you feel is regret and maybe a tiny tear streaking down your cheek. When you're scrolling through your newsfeed and pause whenever you see his name, then shake your head and move on. You see him walking down the street and your head turns the other way because you know if you look too long, you'll let a part of yourself escape that you struggled so hard to cage.

Until one day.

One day when you're intertwining your fingers with his and you lay your head on his shoulder and all you feel is re-assurity, not insecurity. You'll look into eyes that look back with the same glimmer. You're tracing him like a map in your mind but the thing is, it's not the same him. Memories of clutching pillows trying to drown out the sounds of crying are replaced by memories of you clutching his shoulders as you try to stifle your laughter. Until one day.

Until one day?

Nothing new happens. You're over your thunderstorm, the one you thought you'd never conquer. You're over the girl curled up on the bathroom floor. And when you see him walk down the street, you smile and say hi. You look into his eye, and you tell him, "Life sure has changed!"

This is what heartbreak feels like.