Waking up to Regrets

"And must I now begin to doubt - who never doubted all these years? My heart is stone, and still it trembles. The world I have known is lost in the shadows."
Victor Hugo, Les Miserables


She wakes up with a heavy head and the taste of bile in her mouth.
It feels like a thousand hammers are pounding nails together all at once in her skull. She feels dizzy and disoriented as even her limbs refuse to cooperate with her.
She feels like hell.
She is having a hangover.
She would have yelled for someone to come over but her mouth feels to dry and her throat hurts. She cannot even stand her own groans, yelling out to someone is completely out of the question.
After what feels like an eternity her eyes can adjust to the sunlight, coming in through the window and she finally opens them.
The first thing she notices is the ceiling above her head and finds it is oddly different. With a little more awareness seeping in, she feels even the mattress is quite different to her own - it feels softer than the one she is used to. Even her pillow is odd. Moving her head a tad, she notices the array of soft toys on the bed beside her and is completely confused about her surroundings. Lifting the comforter to her face level, she notices it is a soft pink thing with various cartoon figures on it.
Finally her body pays heed to her brain' commands as she somehow manages to get into a sitting position on the bed.
Looking around the room she finally realizes where she is - the strange yet familiar place is a room in the Bhalla house, her home for years and she finally gathers currently she is in her daughter Ruhi' room.  Her eyes glance at the various pictures of her daughter on the walls.  There are frames with solo pictures of Ruhi in various poses as well as pictures of her with the various members of her family from her grandparents to her uncles and aunts.
The pictures that attract her maximum attention though are the ones that have Ruhi and her father in them as well as those with the aforementioned duo and Ishita.  One in particular bigger than all the pictures in the room tugs at her heart as she sees the trio together. Ruhi is in the middle in pigtails in a white frock hugging Raman and Ishita. What grabs the attention to the picture isn't the size of it but the happy faces - her daughter and her ex are smiling brightly with the woman who is now Ruhi' Ishimaa and Mrs. Bhalla.
Something about looking at them this happy pulls at her heart and she cannot pick what about it hurts her the most. The fact she could have been in that picture and isn't or that another woman is in it or that in all these years she has lived with Ashok never even once have they shared this kind of moment  with Adi. This moment frozen in a frame where she can feel the joy that is evident even in a picture when it has been only months since Ishita came into their lives.
What Ishita has found in Ruhi and Raman still lacks in the little family she thought she made with Ashok years ago. 
It gnaws her heart to even consider the notion that Ashok may dump her any moment now, he may get influenced by that brother of his and walk out on her and her son, the man for whom she chose to leave her husband, break her marriage, lose her reputation could unceremoniously dump her in a matter of moments.
She thought in him she found everything she wanted and deserved from life - luxury, comfort and a man who would pamper her silly, a man crazy about her...then why does it seem to her today she is the one who compromised, the one who drew the shorter stick. Even when Ishita... this woman who came out of nowhere in her life has more than her - a woman who chose to get married to her ex in a marriage of convenience seems to have come out the winner.
She shakes her head and moves aside the comforter as she decides to end the little pity party she was throwing for herself right in her daughter' room in her ex' home.
Slowly she moves her legs and placing a hand over the headrest of the bed, she finds her sense of balance as she finally gets up from the bed. She is glad she chose to take the support else she would have fallen flat on her back as her head immediately whirls a bit as soon as she is standing. Once again, she manages to get up and this time when she is thoroughly convinced she is steady on her feet, she takes small steps to head out of the room after she wears her discarded sandals lying on the floor.
She opens the door and is in the passageway when she hears the familiar voice of her ex- mother in law talking,
"Ishita go and check in Ruhi' room if that queen of England is up yet, I don't want her in my home for long."
Even before she can hear Ishita answer the sound of the doorbell is heard and she sees from the threshold Ishita' mother standing with a short man outside as Ishita greets her and opens the door.
"Ishu, the carpenter is here, he would repair the bed in two days maximum."
"Thanks Amma, you don't know what a trouble these two nights have been for Raman and I, that mattress is simply not comfortable enough for the two of us. It is so small and so hard too, our backs are killing us."
Hearing the words she feels a kick in her stomach, but some part of her brain wonders what is going on and why is Ishita discussing the hassles of a hard mattress when a carpenter has come to do the job. Carpenters do not fix mattresses, if the matter is with the bed itself why is Ishita complaining about a small mattress to her mother. What is the issue here?
She thinks she might be still too drunk to even be awake this might be some weird dream when she hears Simi pipe in,
"Ishita your bed will need time as it is, mine has a minor problem so I'll have mine checked and repaired first."
"Sure Simi it's no problem."
She hears Ishita' reply but it is cut short once again when Toshi Bhalla intervenes,
"Beds can be done later first thing that need repairs are these kitchen cabinet drawers so start from here."
She wonders leaning against a wall what is the matter with the Bhalla home are all things falling apart and an involuntary smile creeps up on her face at the thought as a giggle escapes her mouth.
The noise gets the attention of the assembled women in the hall as Ishita, her mother and Simi look her way.  Having no other option but to march on she finally enters the hall and notices that except for Ishita everyone is looking at her as if she were plague personified.
A little unsteadily she makes it to the hall and is about to collapse when Ishita comes to her aid and helps her sit on the sofa.
"Are you ok Shagun?"
She looks up at the woman who genuinely seems to be asking her the question if out of nothing else than humanity sakes and she wants to laugh and cry at the same time.  Never even in her wildest dreams did it occur to her one day she would be amused at the state of her own plight as she is today. The woman who ought to turn her nose and show her utter disdain even as she could feign ignorance with her is concerned about her. She recalls how Ishita had spotted her in the middle of the road and came to her, how she got her here last night - the details are fuzzy but she can recall that Ishita had to hear what is wrong with her and stuff.
What is happening to her, her life she idly wonders? Amidst this, she hears Ishita repeat herself.
She places her hands on her head and runs her fingers through her hair as she finally croaks out,
"My head hurts Ishita...urghh oh god my head I think it might just explode..."
She hears Ishita instruct Neelu to prepare a glass of limewater for her.
She is still groaning in pain when her daughter comes in cheerfully wishing Ishita.
"Ishimaa good morning, look chitti got me ready for school today."
Her daughter rushes in to hug her Ishimaa and she finally lifts her head to look at Ruhi, it is when Ruhi' arms are around Ishita' waist she finally notices her.
"Shagun mama...? How are you here and why do you look like that Shagun mama?"
She is confused how to explain to her daughter when Ishita comes to her rescue again,
"Ru beta, Shagun mama is not feeling ok don't trouble her ok, come on go and sit with your chachu and have breakfast, guess what is on the menu today? I'll give you a hint- its papa' and your' favorite thing."
"Aloo paranthas, yay!" Ruhi delightfully yells before rushing towards the dining table where she takes a seat besides Romi. Ishita follows her and starts serving Ruhi paranthas along with curd on a plate.
She sees Ishita move towards the kitchen to get a glass of milk for Ruhi and sees her daughter enjoying her breakfast heartily. It occurs to her, her daughter did not even give a second glance to her and before she can ponder much on the happenings, she hears the voice of her ex booming in the household,
"Ishita, Ishita where are my clothes for the day?"
"Ishita go to him before he yells anymore."
"Yes mummyji."
"Ishita..."
"I am coming; I am coming hold your horses will you. This man is always in such a rush." She hears Ishita mutter to herself as she passes her by to attend to Raman.
Neelu gets her the limewater, places it before her on the center table, and retires silently without even a word or a glance. Quietly she gulps down the drink and notices no one is even paying her any attention at all. Simi is lost in feeding her baby and serving that good for nothing husband of hers. Raman' parents are having breakfast even as his father continues to read the paper in between sips of his piping hot tea. Romi alternates between chatting with someone on his phone, having a bite and tickling Ruhi in between who bursts into giggles every time her uncle tickles her.
She figures it is better if she keeps to herself and instead of inviting a parade of insults and taunts or worse the jibes that could come her way she keep out of the way of the family. However, fearing that she could be called ill mannered or shameless she announces,
"I'll leave now... I just need to use the washroom first."
When no one pays any attention to her only Toshi Bhalla looks at her for a moment with which she acknowledges that she had been heard and dismisses her at once too.
Moving towards the sole bathroom in the Bhalla household, she overhears the quiet voices of Raman and Ishita first,
"Thank god she is leaving, I swear I was about to ask her to leave the moment I stepped out."
"Raman please don't spoil your mood, you know why I did what I did."
"Yes I know why you helped her. It is because you are an idiot who is all heart, I don't have an iota of a doubt in  my mind had you been in her place last night she would not have even bothered to stop her car for you."
It is when she is near the bedroom that was once hers she sees Ishita and Raman standing near the dressing table opposite to each other as she sews a button on Raman' shirt. Behind Raman is a small mattress with a blue comforter over it along with two small pillows.
The room is now in shades of green but what stuns her is the broken bed that lies in the middle of the room.
It finally strikes her what the conversation Ishita had with her mother was all about. The thoughts and images that come crashing down on her have her stomach rolling.
She rushes to the bathroom as she bolts the door shut and retches leaning over the washbasin.
She cries silent tears as she sees herself in the mirror. Mascara dripping down from her lashes as it occurs to her she is in a place that was her home once and today...today, she could not be any more of an alien here if she tried.
Her daughter did not bother to talk to her after that initial surprise. The man who used to adore her - he has moved on.
She had heard Raman' words enough times whenever he mentioned Ishita but she always thought it was all for show, just to make her jealous but today it hits her - Raman has finally moved on from her.
The broken bed, the shared mattress and comforter- they seem nothing compared to the moment she witnessed between him and Ishita.
It was an ordinary moment, a woman was sewing on a button on a man' shirt, nothing special about it. However, the way they were so comfortable with that proximity, it could not have been a lie. The soft voice in which Raman was talking to Ishita even when he was scolding her, was mildly irritated by her and yet amazed did not escape her notice.
Nor can it be unseen now - the moment - the way she saw Raman look at Ishita with that smile on his face, the way he was looking at her when she leaned in close to him to put on the final stitch.
She knows that look - she has been on the receiving end of that look from the very man once.
That was, is the look of a man in love.
Raman is in love with Ishita.
The sob that escapes her mouth after that has her go weak in the knees as she sinks down on the floor.
How is it that she finds herself all alone today? She wonders how in a moment it all seems like a puzzle to her - all her decisions, the options she chose. For six years she had assumed she had made all the right choices in her life. She had moved towards greener pastures.
She had thought she had the right to a better life, a better lifestyle when she left this home and the man who is now in love with his new wife.
Was she wrong all along? Has she ruined her life by her own bad decisions?
She has to have her answers; she has to know. She has to confront Ashok; he cannot shun her like this, not after he put her in the path of temptation, not when he claimed his love for her.
She gets up from the floor, washes her face and exits the bathroom. She is about to call Ishita for courtesy sakes - to thank her before she leaves but upon coming towards the room she sees Ishita in Raman' arms and leaves without a word to her.
Taking one last look at her daughter who is cribbing about drinking her milk even as her grandmother tries to make her gulp it down. She opens the main door and exits the home with nigh a word.
She is at the staircase when something makes her look back towards the door of the house that used to be her home.  Her eyes fall on the plaques and her eyes widen as she reads the inscription on the one at the bottom - Dr. Ishita Raman Bhalla.
Her heart sinks to her stomach as she reads the letters over and over.
She rushes downstairs in a flurry of tears as her mind plays the things she saw on a loop.
In walking out of that man, on this place years ago she had assumed she had conquered the world, gained everything there could be and more.
Today as she leaves the same man and building behind she asks herself what exactly she gained, what did she lose.
She was a fool who dreamt the world was at her feet, the rude awakening today makes her realize she does not even have a handful of sky of her own.