Infinite Mirror
© 2008 CBS Entertainment, Inc.
By G.N. Jacobs
Did the Federation go to the crapper in the next hundred years? Kirk asked himself as he watched his bald tormentor pacing with a phaser. How did this guy get a ship?
"You were perhaps expecting the sane and rational Picard who is so nice that if he even dreamed of tumbling his redheaded doctor he would wake up and apologize?" Picard asked gesticulating wildly with his phaser. "Been there done that. She moaned like a whore, three times. But, enough about me, Captain. Tell me what you know about the Tantalus Field."
Several thoughts threw a wild fur ball in Kirk's mind. Tantalus Field, Oh shit! Captain James Tiberius Kirk thought reverting to the twentieth century slang he wasn't supposed to know. This pig- fragger is from the Mirror Universe. Whose daughter did I knock up to deserve this? And why does this guy think that I would have met our Picard?
Jean-Luc Picard (Mirror) smiled and fingered his red uniform, now revealed to be a perfect imitation despite the authentic lapel pin that Kirk recognized. Kirk shook his head and spat out blood and a molar. At least, dentists knew how to grow teeth back.
"Ah, it is so good when realization sets in," Picard continued working himself up to a full supervillain lather. "You like my tailor?"
"I gave the Tantalus Doohickey to Spock, yours, I mean. Does he still have the beard?"
"Goatees are all the rage among Imperial sycophants and will remain so while Spock is Emperor," Picard said.
Kirk thought he heard desperation in this Picard's voice when he mentioned Emperor Spock. Apparently, logic and reason are bad things in a universe where there previously had been none.
"So what pissed you off more full rights for women or the end of dueling?" Kirk asked.
"How did you know?"
"I know Spock in both universes," Kirk said. "I would have liked to have played chess with him, yours, I mean."
"I know, Captain," Picard said. "I checked your database; the chess clubs are still talking about your game with your Spock. What was it four years ago now?"
Picard turned on a series of lights that didn't add much to the dim room. Kirk struggled against his bonds, a mixture of ropes and the latest electronic locks. The ropes were easy, he'd once read a book about Harry Houdini. But, muscle contractions couldn't help with a ten-digit lock code.
Picard dipped an archaic disposable toilet brush into a bucket of water. The drops felt cool on Kirk's skin as Picard mopped them on singing Frer Jacques. Kirk had always hated that song, in both English and French.
"James Tiberius Kirk, late of the USS Enterprise, I only have two questions," Picard said grinning like the Cheshire Cat after stubbing a toe. "How do I build my own Tantalus Field? And how many lights do you see?"
"Four lights, Captain Picard," Kirk said. "Marla, Marlene, Maia, whatever her name was never gave me the maintenance manual."
Picard put the electrodes from a car battery onto Kirk. He screamed.
"Wrong answer, Kirk."
Picard spitefully started Round Two. Kirk screamed louder.
"Actually Captain," Picard said building up to a hysterical laugh. "I find it insulting that you can't remember her name. She bore you a fine son, your spitting image according to our history."
"What was his name?" Kirk asked insufferably proud of himself despite circumstances.
This merited Round Three. Kirk screamed hitting an octave he'd never reached even with that one time in the fifth grade where the mean tomboy kicked him between the legs. Picard slapped Kirk for good measure. Apparently, even barbarians love their children.
