Conceiving.

He says a hundred sweet things to make me lighten up, but to no avail. I am distracted. I mean, I have reason to be. I just had sex and there is this weird irrational fear in my mind that I might get pregnant. We did use a condom but my brain traces back to that article I read on Facebook the other day. It was about how almost all methods of birth-control may end up not working. I get it that 99% probability is a lot and I am not unlucky enough to be in the other 1%, but still.

No matter what logic I put to it, my brain just doesn't agree. I get my periods late almost every month, thanks to the fact that I travel a lot, eat junk, don't sleep on time and just generally don't take a lot of care of myself. Late periods only instigate me into worrying even more. What if I just don't get it this month? What will I do?

"The whole world does it," he tries to coax me again. I smile, half-heartedly letting him think I am buying his logic. The thing is I am not. I don't care about what the whole world does, because the whole world is not going to help me raise my baby if I am pregnant. I know whatever he says comes from a good place. I know he just wants me to settle down and not think about it so much.

I silently pray to have my periods a little early this month to get my periods early. "Eat a papaya." I am told by the net as it increases heat in the body and makes your period come faster. It sounds ludicrous but I am willing to do anything at this point.

You can never be too sure. I keep repeating in my mind. However minute the chances might be, it seems as if it is going to happen. I swear solemnly to never have sex again, ignoring my boyfriend's catastrophe struck face at the moment. I can poise to give up anything at this point for the bleak chance that I will not be impregnated. I love babies, don't get me wrong, but just not my own, and especially not at this point in my life. I mean priorities people.

This may be instigated by the fact that I have always been very careful about my virginity. Finally losing my virginity at 21 to the person I want to marry, is a thrill, but it also comes with its own challenges. I think I have been so happy and a carefree in my life before this, never having to note when I get my periods or how late they come, I guess this is what I get in return.

I know this might seem pointless and silly t a lot of people but I am just scared and I wanted to tell someone about it. This is 100% of what I really feel. Even if one other person in the world feels the way I do, and is able to relate to what I said, I would feel like my purpose, if there even is one, is accomplished.

This is not a rant, neither is it something that I want to spread. Just putting my own thoughts in words making me feel lighter. Words have always been my way of expressing what I feel and telling this, even here on Wattpad, makes me feel like I am not alone.

XX Please tell me how you feel. Tell me I am being stupid, or that I should grow up, but still. Please tell me. XX