Crushed

Chapter 2

Crush~2~

I turn the music up on my iPod. Do you ever just turn your volume up until you reach that perfect level. And you just think ah yes I can't hear anything else in the world, and it's like a big warm hug.

I listen to my music while my sister drives down to the shopping mall.

I watch all the trees and buildings move past my window.

The worlds funny isn't it, it's full of beautiful things that we get to see everyday and don't appreciate. I guess I don't seem to appreciate some things like that in my life, just because my life is a big fuck up.

I feel like I never have the courage to tell anyone how I feel. All my thoughts are just locked inside of my head. I'm a really deep thinker. I think about things over and over again.

My sister and I don't really discuss how we feel about our life anymore. I know she has tried to help me, but she just doesn't seem to care anymore. It's maybe because she just really needs to start living her life, and just do everything she needs to do for herself. But it's hard really fucking dam hard, I can't do anything for myself I don't have anyone to help me. I have no opportunities or anything. My future can either be really shit or I can pull my finger out and make my future the best future I can have. I'm going to need love and support, but I don't have any love.

I just... I just need Craig in my life. It's just down to desperation now. Because

I need love all I need is love.

My sister and I go into the mall and start looking at things. There are so many cute little gifts and stuff people can give to each other. There are so many books that fill the shelves, I just want to read them.

"Um Claire who exactly are we buying presents for" I ask looking down at a pretty looking book.

"Damien, nanny, grandad and my friend shaylee" she says looking at me with a blank face.

I look at her short shoulder length dark hair, her crystal blue eyes, her smooth lightly tanned skin, and her perfect shaped lips. she's a gorgeous girl I'm a lot like her in looks except I'm not gorgeous. Not even close. My hair is long and a lighter shade, my eyes aren't a very crystal blue but more like a dark blue, my skin is paler, I'm not as tall, and my body has curves. I hate my curves.

"So do you think this cook book looks good for nanny" Claire says snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah it looks nice" I say after reading the label 'baking secrets'

The cold winter air hits me and I pull my sleeves down covering my wrist as we leave the shop.

"So ruby what should we get grandad?" Claire ask me as she pulls her hood on her dark coat over her head.

"Um, I don't know" I say scratching my head slightly.

"Maybe that new Beatles cd"

I suggest looking towards my sister.

"Wait the Beatles aren't even together anymore how can they have a new cd?" Claire ask looking confused

"They had old songs that were recorded but never released" I say looking for a cd shop

"Oh ok then, lets get him that and a box of chocolates later "

Claire says as she points to a cd shop

"Let's get nanny a box too" I demand as we turn into the shop.

We finish the shopping, go home and wrap the presents.

I then start getting ready for my dinner with Craig. I curl my hair, put on a black dress, heart stockings, and a dark red button up coat.

You know I've sought taken heaps of time of this year to try and get to know Craig. It took a while at first to get to know each other but then I found the sweet heart inside of him. He's so handsome.

He's got black hair, blue eyes, he's tall, he has a great body, he's so Muscly, and he's just attractive.

When I look at him I see this Perfect person, then there's me this weird crazy person with all these problems. If he chooses me I wouldn't be able to understand why but if he does I want him to stay.

The thing is my sister always tells me I have to really know the guy well to be able to be with him. And when I think about it I don't really know him as well as I want to. I guess he won't open up to me. I think boys are just like that though.

My sister also tells me, you know you've found the guy when you click with him from the word go.

but I guess it took time with us....

Everything in my life is basically fucked up. I only have one friend. Emily. And Emily and I aren't even that close. I just lust to have someone I can be close with. Someone that understands me.

I'm quite a fucking depressed girl most of the time. Maybe one day I'll be ok. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be ok.

I get my handbag and put my packet of cigarettes in there. I then wait by the door for Craig.

I sit there is silence and I can hear Claire wrapping presents in another room. I don't feel happy right now, I'm nervous as fuck.

I get my cigarette packet out and my lighter. I open the packet and get one out

"RUBY STOP FUCKING SMOKING! Claire yells at me grabbing the cigarette out of my hand. I quickly drop three in my bag as Claire rips the box out of my hand.

I look up at her and don't say a word. Claire sits next to me and grabs my face

"Listen to me babe I don't want your health to be in risk. Just listen. I try to do everything for you and I defiantly fucking know I can't make you happy and I can't make your life how you want it. But I don't want you to keep breathing that shit into your body, it's not good for you" Claire says softly.

"I can do what I want" I hiss through my teeth.

Claire sighs

"you know what it's Christmas Eve, you shouldn't be depressed. you are about to go on a date with a boy and you never know a Christmas miracle might happen" Claire huffs out as she stands up with one hand on my shoulder.

"No miracles are going to happens Claire. Just look at our life. I'm sad and I try so dam hard not to be, the smoking is the only thing that helps me" I say looking down slightly

"It's just I don't want to lose you like mum. Cancer is evil it takes special and beautiful people away from us" Claire sniffs into her hand.

"Aw Claire just shut up. If your trying to make me feel more shit you are doing a great job!!

I yell at her.

I hate when she talks about mum it's so heartbreaking.

and I don't want to be reminded of the hard time we got put through.

"Just be Back before eleven" she says turning around and closing the door.

I put my head in my hands and breathe in heavily.

-Authors notes- sorry if there are any mistakes. Because I write on my iPod so sometimes it's a bit hard.